CrackKid! Toronto makes brave crackhead’s ‘Mayor-for-a-Day’ wish come true.

19 11 2013

crackkid

-Toronto, CA – A 44-year-old crack addict, Rob Ford has always wanted to be Mayor of his own city. Toronto’s Make-A-Wish foundation teamed up with millions of volunteers, TV crews, and even the Canadian Prime Minister to make this drug-addled manchild’s dreams come true for a day.

An entire city joined together in a heartwarming show of empathy that most rock bottom crack addicts never get to experience. Special permission was granted to give CrackKid full use of the Mayor’s office, ‘live’ press conferences with working TV cameras, and a communal spirit of making a CrackKid’s impossible dream come true—the entire city turned up to make CrackKid’s day as special as possible.

The delusional manchild has been a fan of politics since his youth, but an out of control drug habit had scuttled his dreams. Until now.

Photo - Perpetrating crime before dinner time is all in a day’s work for CrackKid.

Photo – Perpetrating crime before dinner time and denying it is all in a day’s work for CrackKid.

Ford’s first orders of business included proposing oral sex with a staffer, bragging about the amount of cunnilingus he performed on his wife, and using racial slurs against several minorities, among those gays, ‘Orientals’ and Muggles. He also got to smoke a joint at a public event, snort cocaine in the mayor’s office and smoke crack on camera.

A nation then looked on fondly as the jowly, constantly surprised, poor excuse of a man was allowed to ‘defend’ his ‘mayoralty’. Just hours into his political career, Rob Ford, an older-than-his-years, obese, flop sweaty, delusional, profane, abhorrent-in-every-way shitstain of a man, already had the press conference ‘apology’ down pat like a political veteran.

The city played along good-naturedly as ‘Mayor CrackKid’ defended his antics. Like a seasoned pro pol, the brave young crack addict’s bluster never faltered. But his softer side always won out, as the Mayor’s clumsy attempt to hug a female Councilwoman ended with her knocked down to the floor! Oh, Mr. Mayor!

Photo - Even superheroes can’t commit crimes on an empty stomach, so the mayor was given as much Molson’s as he wanted. Which, given his girth and advanced addiction to intoxicants, was a metric fuckton.

Photo – Even superheroes can’t commit crimes on an empty stomach, so the mayor was given as much Molson’s as he wanted. Which, given his girth and advanced addiction to intoxicants, was a metric fuckton.

Afterwards, the Mayor got to give the finger to the crowd at a Toronto Argos game, drive drunk in the CrackKid car and ‘host’ his own radio show. On Twitter, #RFCrackKid was a top trending topic.

The Make-A-Wish foundation even allowed Ford to save a damsel in distress, as he offered one down on her luck lady a night’s work in the mayor’s office performing “under-the-table” services.

Local newspapers got in on the warm and fuzzies, with the Toronto Star selling out of a commemorative “I have smoked crack cocaine!” Mayor Ford cover.

In a heart-warming addition to the festivities, Ford’s intellectually even more diminutive brother was also granted his wish and given a seat on the Toronto City board for the day.

Said one chuckling citizen, “If we can make just one crack addict’s day this special, it’s worth making our city a worldwide joke, eh!”

Despite the citizenry’s best efforts, it was expected Mr. Ford would have not a single memory of the special citywide event.

Yea! Mayor CrackKid!





Cable Guy Camp Somewhere Between 10 & 5 O’Clock

6 08 2013

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For those Burners who don’t want to miss Breaking Bad, True Blood, the end of Dexter, or the beginning of college football, you don’t have to. Simply drop in on Cable Guy Camp to watch your fill.  There will also be marathon showings of your favorite shows, past and present! And for you gamers, there will be a gamer’s nook where you can play World of Warcraft and Second Life, just in case you get bored with the shenanigans on the Playa.

The awe-inspiring Cable Dome will feature easy-wipe leather couches, fifty 50′ LCD screens, THX sound, and the world’s largest collection of La-Z-Boy chairs! It will be a couch potato’s paradise!





BORG Caves, Issues More Tickets

25 04 2012

By Veruca Salt

San Francisco, CA – In a stunning reversal, the BORG decided to issue tickets to the multitudes left out in the cold as a result of the callous lottery system.  Taking a page from the playbook of the Federal Reserve, the BORG just printed up more tickets when they ran out. When asked about the change of heart, Marian Goodell responded by saying that “We heard all the bitching and moaning reasoned debate from the community and decided that we just couldn’t take it anymore owed something to the people who have supported the event over the years.”

There will be some restrictions with the newly minted tickets, however. “Because we can’t really stomach seeing you accept another 20,000 adults into the event, we can only issue the tickets with the stipulation that all recipients will reside in Kidsville for the week,” said Will Chase. “So we’ll be putting you in timeout expanding Kidsville and placing it in its own corner of the city.”

Burning Man founder (and shape-shifting vampire), Larry Harvey, will personally be gifting binkies blinkies to all the new ticket holders just to show that there’s no hard feelings.





BORG Lottery Conspiracy Just the Tip

17 04 2012

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Black Rock City, NV – Unless you’ve been living under a pile of MOOP all year you know by now that this year’s ticketing situation makes The Great Sellout of 2011 seem like the good ol’ days. At first we were like most, willing to buy the story of excess demand, poor judgment, and plain bad luck as the reasons for getting shafted this year.

However, the folks at another blog dedicated to all things Burning Man, and we shan’t name names, suggest that the BORG have engineered the whole thing. They have patched together a conspiracy theory that would make Oliver Stone blush.

What the disenfranchised don’t know is that the BORG’s plan to rob people of a trip to the playa this year is just the tip. As other misdeeds come to light, burners will feel like they got the whole nine inches.  Well-placed Shroom operatives have uncovered a trove of old cocktail napkins on which are written some of the BORG’s most pernicious plans.

Among the shocking revelations:

  • It was Maid Marian, not Yoko Ono, who broke up The Beatles.
  • Larry Harvey, who is a shape-shifting vampire, perpetrated the Inquisition as Torquemada.
  • Danger Ranger was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
  • Andie Grace started the rumor that the works of William Shakespeare were really written by a woman.
  • Will Chase is a government plant, and registered republican, secretly keeping files on everyone.




Burning Man Expands Lottery

8 02 2012

by Shirley Jackson

The events of the past year, from the now infamous online ticketing system crash of 2011, to the Great Sell Out only months later, have precipitated wholesale changes to the way Burners acquire tickets to Burning Man. Gone are the days when people could comfortably drag their feet in procrastination until early August, hoping to score a tier one ticket. Also extinct is the never-ending vacillation between joining friends in the dust or ‘taking a year off’’ to do something else because one could purchase a ticket up until the last minute without fear.

Alas, the BORG’s lottery solution to ticketing has been an unmitigated success story. In fact, it’s been so well received by Burners the world over that it’s being expanded to include other areas of this year’s Burn. The lottery will be used for many attractions and services within the city including porta-potties, ice vending, the Center Camp Café, and entering the Temple as well as the city itself.

“If there’s one thing we learned from this process, it’s that randomly selecting winners is the most efficient method of operation possible in situations like these,” said Burning Man founder (and shape-shifting vampire) Larry Harvey.  “As with ticket sales, rewarding people with the opportunity to buy ice or leave letters in the temple in the order they showed up just didn’t seem fair in our eyes, so we’re eliminating the first come, first served (FCFS) system…for everything.”

Marian Goodell, the BORG’s Director of Bidness and Communication, has informed seven people about the new voucher system for getting through the gate. It’s up to all participants to find one of those seven people and ask them how it works. According to Space Man, who heard it from Disco Underpants, who heard it from some guy he met on the Magic Carpet art car, who knows because his playa girlfriend from last year, who is in Ashram Galactica, hooked up with someone who thinks they remember having an IM chat with Goodell about it, explains that 25,000 vouchers will be awarded through a lottery system. Each vehicle can purchase two at an additional cost of $49.95 each. Any vehicle without a voucher will be denied entry into the city whether or not they have tickets.

“Parties with surplus vouchers may use the STEP (Stop Taking Everything Personally) system to circulate them back to Burners in need of one to have their vehicle enter the city,” said Goodell. “We feel it will work just fine because when you’ve got a scarce commodity, hoarding and price gouging are the last things on anyone’s mind.”

“There are people who are obviously going to game the system and increase their chances to buy ice or take a dump while there’s still toilet paper available,” said Will Chase. “But we are going to also expand the STEP system to cover the additional lottery services. People can resell their leftover ice to lottery losers through Center Camp,” he explains. “In the end, we’re confident that everyone will get the ice they need.”

Stacey Pinkus, who relies on ice runs for her camp’s daily happy hour bar, The Eager Beaver, said the effects of the new changes on her camp are negligible. “I see this as a non-issue. Only two people in my camp of thirty got tickets this year, so we aren’t doing the bar anyway.”

Shirley Jackson is an expert lotterologist who has written extensively on the subject. The Shroom retains the right to have Ms. Jackson continue the expose on BRC’s Lottery Fiasco. 





Shroom Exclusive! 2012 Burning Man Theme: “Jumping the Shark”

13 10 2011

Artist's awesome rendering by Eric Stilan

The Shroom has learned through a reliable source* that the BORG will announce the 2012 Burning Man theme is ‘Jumping the Shark’.

Henry Winkler – whose beloved (and gay) son Halcyon is a longtime Burner – has agreed to attend his very first Burning Man in character as The Fonz and will be the very first grand marshall for the festival.

Ron Howard’s directorial schedule will prevent him from attending, but he will be sending his brother Clint in his stead. As of press time, it was unknown if Potsie, Ralph Malph and Chachi  would also be attending.

* One of our staffer’s sister’s ex-girlfriend’s frenemy’s dog’s acupuncturist, who also treats Larry Harvey’s werewolves.





Horoscopes: Burning Man 2011

28 09 2011

 

Shirtcocker: Once again you’re unlikely to find that special someone on the Playa. You might really want to rethink the wardrobe one of these years. Still, you won’t lack for attention. However, it will come from the business end of a pants cannon.

Top: Your pushy ways will ensure your presence on all the coolest art cars, at the most fabulous parties, and more than a few sexual trysts. It will also possibly lead to being thrown off of said art cars, out of said parties, and being slapped with an assault charge.

Bottom: We would liken your Burning Man experience this year to that of a football player. You may have started out as a tight end, but now you’re a wide receiver. Just go with it.

Unicorn: Your week will be a frolic-filled funfest. You’ll skate through without having to do any real work in camp and your charm will make it so no one will even notice what a twit you were until they’re off the Playa.

Darktard: If you play your cards right the Playa is going to be very welcoming to you this year. You may even find that someone with a warm body might be interested in seeing what you have underneath that unlit exterior. However, you usually don’t play your cards right. Try not to get run over again, okay?

Rainbow: As expected, you bring teh ghey. Everyone is thrilled to see your fabulousness. A natural peacocker, you’re going to set the BRC fashionistas on their ears.

Shroom: Yes, we get it. You’re smart. Now shut the fuck up. Try to be a little less brains and a little more cock and balls. It’s practically a naked orgy out here all week for fuck’s sake.

Clown: Refrain from staring at scantily clad people. You’re creeping them out. Your attempts at self-deprecation come across as a sleazy ploy to lure nubile bodies back into your tent. Wearing big, floppy shoes and asking people if they know what big feet mean isn’t going to work.

Ninja: Follow your instincts to dazzle people with your formidable talents. Not only will they be impressed and want to get to know you, but you’ll actually believe you’re cool enough to hold a camp’s attention. Don’t stay in one place too long and they won’t see through you.

Faerie: You’re really in your element this week. Providing what people need is your gig. Wear it proudly. They’ll thank you for it. Don’t worry that they’re going to laugh at you when your back is turned.

Pirate: Avoid law enforcement, powerful stimulants, and anyone with a name that begins with ‘J’. Do indulge in fucking with virgins, sparkle ponies, hallucinogens and art cars that look like tall ships.

Sparkle Pony:  What can we say; you’re likely to have more sex than anyone else in town. Just don’t expect any cuddling or Playa dates, and by no means will you get a phone number or email address. Be satisfied with a reach around.








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