Kidsville Expanding With New MidwifeVille!

21 08 2014

When recreational sex becomes procreational

KidsVille announced that due to the overwhelming amount of procreational fucking between Burners, they are adding MidwifeVille, which will be gifting full doula services to Black Rock City.

Now it will be much easier for Burners to give birth on the playa and not miss out on annual Black Rock festivities just because they are becoming parents.

“Just like a dust storm, you can’t always predict when a new baby will arrive,” says Hunka Momma, KidsVille camper and mother of three.

MidwifeVille’s founder and professional doula, Desert Rose, who has overseen home births, water births, and Indian style births, says, “I am elated at the prospect of my first playa birth!”

Old school burner Stork Mama was originally planning to give birth at Reno General Hospital, but was overjoyed when she heard about MidwifeVille. “Now I get the best of both worlds. I can give birth and see the Man burn at the same time!”

Grandparentsville will have an awesome front porch

Grandparentsville will have an awesome front porch

The BORG, thinking strategically about the needs of an ever-growing Black Rock City, tapped the shoulder of The Front Porch art car to take over another KidsVille expansion with GrandparentsVille. “We are going to use some funds to create high-tech electric rocking chairs and a real grass lawn that we can yell at kids to get off of,“ said Ol’ Bessie, one of The Front Porch founders.

According to Maid Marion, “Not only will this keep many creepy old men away from the Orgy Dome, it will also provide a perfect space where grandparents can boost our gifting economy and freely spoil inner and outer children without shame.”

To alleviate concerns that GrandparentsVille would simply become BabysitterVille, the BORG is giving subsidies and aid to start BabysitterVille, which will provide housing for low income ticket holders in return for volunteer au pair service work. Free birth control pills will be given to all au pairs. to ensure they don’t return require MidWifeVille the following year.

Of course Burning Man would not be where it is without pragmatism, so GrandparentsVille will also come complete with another sub-camp, AdultdaycareVille, which will be run by sexy nurses. This camp will take over pee funnel distribution and will gift bedazzled adult diapers to campers of all ages willing to party with them. Their program listing reads, “Ain’t no party like an adult diaper party, cause an adult diaper party don’t have to stop (to potty)!”

In the name of both public safety and radical inclusion, it has been determined that CreepyVanVille will be moved to the opposite side of the playa from KidsVille.

 





Burning Man “Pee Bucket Challenge” Raises Awareness for SPS

18 08 2014

Pee Bucket Challenge

The “Pee Bucket Challenge” has lit Burning Man social media on fire, raising awareness for SPS, one urine-soaked, pee-moistened, sometimes asparagus-tainted Burner at a time. The stunt goes like this: People make a video of themselves dumping a pee bucket over their heads, post it on Facebook, Instagram or other social media sites, and then challenge friends to do the same within 24 hours or donate $100 to SPS. (Many do both.)

The Pee Bucket Challenge raises both money and awareness for amyotrophic collateral sapathyeosis commonly called Sparkle Pony Syndrome. About 5,000 Burners now have the disease, which attacks brain cells leading to campmates sitting around and doing nothing but thinking of their own beautiful selves. Untreated, the condition ultimately leads to total spectatoritis. Life expectancy of the uselessness as a campmate is typically five to seven burns from the time of diagnosis.

 

 





The 10 More Questions Every Burning Man Virgin Should Ask Themselves

8 08 2014

There’s an article by Chip Conley called “The 5 Questions Every Burning Man Virgin Should Ask Themselves” that we felt was Just The Tip and needed a good thorough pounding completion.

Not really related to this article

10 questions every BM virgin should ask themselves:

 1. Is this a costume or just something I bought in a thrift store?

2. Am I really receiving divine guidance or is it just that I’m tripping balls inside a 150 degree port-a-pottie?

3. Am I just going to lie here during sex or am I going to participate?

4. Not really a question, but seriously, why the fuck did you #2 in our RV? We all agreed to poo in the port-a-potties.

5. Wouldn’t it be more productive to be compassionate of the tits?

6. Is he wearing a condom?

7. Are they wearing a condom?

8. Whose tent is this, and why am I still wearing a condom?

9. What can I do right now to make sure that next year I can honestly say, “Burning Man was better last year?”

10. How may I best serve thee, O long-time, hardcore Burner?

 

 





CrackKid! Toronto makes brave crackhead’s ‘Mayor-for-a-Day’ wish come true.

19 11 2013

crackkid

-Toronto, CA – A 44-year-old crack addict, Rob Ford has always wanted to be Mayor of his own city. Toronto’s Make-A-Wish foundation teamed up with millions of volunteers, TV crews, and even the Canadian Prime Minister to make this drug-addled manchild’s dreams come true for a day.

An entire city joined together in a heartwarming show of empathy that most rock bottom crack addicts never get to experience. Special permission was granted to give CrackKid full use of the Mayor’s office, ‘live’ press conferences with working TV cameras, and a communal spirit of making a CrackKid’s impossible dream come true—the entire city turned up to make CrackKid’s day as special as possible.

The delusional manchild has been a fan of politics since his youth, but an out of control drug habit had scuttled his dreams. Until now.

Photo - Perpetrating crime before dinner time is all in a day’s work for CrackKid.

Photo – Perpetrating crime before dinner time and denying it is all in a day’s work for CrackKid.

Ford’s first orders of business included proposing oral sex with a staffer, bragging about the amount of cunnilingus he performed on his wife, and using racial slurs against several minorities, among those gays, ‘Orientals’ and Muggles. He also got to smoke a joint at a public event, snort cocaine in the mayor’s office and smoke crack on camera.

A nation then looked on fondly as the jowly, constantly surprised, poor excuse of a man was allowed to ‘defend’ his ‘mayoralty’. Just hours into his political career, Rob Ford, an older-than-his-years, obese, flop sweaty, delusional, profane, abhorrent-in-every-way shitstain of a man, already had the press conference ‘apology’ down pat like a political veteran.

The city played along good-naturedly as ‘Mayor CrackKid’ defended his antics. Like a seasoned pro pol, the brave young crack addict’s bluster never faltered. But his softer side always won out, as the Mayor’s clumsy attempt to hug a female Councilwoman ended with her knocked down to the floor! Oh, Mr. Mayor!

Photo - Even superheroes can’t commit crimes on an empty stomach, so the mayor was given as much Molson’s as he wanted. Which, given his girth and advanced addiction to intoxicants, was a metric fuckton.

Photo – Even superheroes can’t commit crimes on an empty stomach, so the mayor was given as much Molson’s as he wanted. Which, given his girth and advanced addiction to intoxicants, was a metric fuckton.

Afterwards, the Mayor got to give the finger to the crowd at a Toronto Argos game, drive drunk in the CrackKid car and ‘host’ his own radio show. On Twitter, #RFCrackKid was a top trending topic.

The Make-A-Wish foundation even allowed Ford to save a damsel in distress, as he offered one down on her luck lady a night’s work in the mayor’s office performing “under-the-table” services.

Local newspapers got in on the warm and fuzzies, with the Toronto Star selling out of a commemorative “I have smoked crack cocaine!” Mayor Ford cover.

In a heart-warming addition to the festivities, Ford’s intellectually even more diminutive brother was also granted his wish and given a seat on the Toronto City board for the day.

Said one chuckling citizen, “If we can make just one crack addict’s day this special, it’s worth making our city a worldwide joke, eh!”

Despite the citizenry’s best efforts, it was expected Mr. Ford would have not a single memory of the special citywide event.

Yea! Mayor CrackKid!





Cable Guy Camp Somewhere Between 10 & 5 O’Clock

6 08 2013

4ebca245b3eab.image

For those Burners who don’t want to miss Breaking Bad, True Blood, the end of Dexter, or the beginning of college football, you don’t have to. Simply drop in on Cable Guy Camp to watch your fill.  There will also be marathon showings of your favorite shows, past and present! And for you gamers, there will be a gamer’s nook where you can play World of Warcraft and Second Life, just in case you get bored with the shenanigans on the Playa.

The awe-inspiring Cable Dome will feature easy-wipe leather couches, fifty 50′ LCD screens, THX sound, and the world’s largest collection of La-Z-Boy chairs! It will be a couch potato’s paradise!





BORG Caves, Issues More Tickets

25 04 2012

By Veruca Salt

San Francisco, CA – In a stunning reversal, the BORG decided to issue tickets to the multitudes left out in the cold as a result of the callous lottery system.  Taking a page from the playbook of the Federal Reserve, the BORG just printed up more tickets when they ran out. When asked about the change of heart, Marian Goodell responded by saying that “We heard all the bitching and moaning reasoned debate from the community and decided that we just couldn’t take it anymore owed something to the people who have supported the event over the years.”

There will be some restrictions with the newly minted tickets, however. “Because we can’t really stomach seeing you accept another 20,000 adults into the event, we can only issue the tickets with the stipulation that all recipients will reside in Kidsville for the week,” said Will Chase. “So we’ll be putting you in timeout expanding Kidsville and placing it in its own corner of the city.”

Burning Man founder (and shape-shifting vampire), Larry Harvey, will personally be gifting binkies blinkies to all the new ticket holders just to show that there’s no hard feelings.





BORG Lottery Conspiracy Just the Tip

17 04 2012

Image

Black Rock City, NV – Unless you’ve been living under a pile of MOOP all year you know by now that this year’s ticketing situation makes The Great Sellout of 2011 seem like the good ol’ days. At first we were like most, willing to buy the story of excess demand, poor judgment, and plain bad luck as the reasons for getting shafted this year.

However, the folks at another blog dedicated to all things Burning Man, and we shan’t name names, suggest that the BORG have engineered the whole thing. They have patched together a conspiracy theory that would make Oliver Stone blush.

What the disenfranchised don’t know is that the BORG’s plan to rob people of a trip to the playa this year is just the tip. As other misdeeds come to light, burners will feel like they got the whole nine inches.  Well-placed Shroom operatives have uncovered a trove of old cocktail napkins on which are written some of the BORG’s most pernicious plans.

Among the shocking revelations:

  • It was Maid Marian, not Yoko Ono, who broke up The Beatles.
  • Larry Harvey, who is a shape-shifting vampire, perpetrated the Inquisition as Torquemada.
  • Danger Ranger was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
  • Andie Grace started the rumor that the works of William Shakespeare were really written by a woman.
  • Will Chase is a government plant, and registered republican, secretly keeping files on everyone.







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