-Toronto, CA – A 44-year-old crack addict, Rob Ford has always wanted to be Mayor of his own city. Toronto’s Make-A-Wish foundation teamed up with millions of volunteers, TV crews, and even the Canadian Prime Minister to make this drug-addled manchild’s dreams come true for a day.
An entire city joined together in a heartwarming show of empathy that most rock bottom crack addicts never get to experience. Special permission was granted to give CrackKid full use of the Mayor’s office, ‘live’ press conferences with working TV cameras, and a communal spirit of making a CrackKid’s impossible dream come true—the entire city turned up to make CrackKid’s day as special as possible.
The delusional manchild has been a fan of politics since his youth, but an out of control drug habit had scuttled his dreams. Until now.
Photo – Perpetrating crime before dinner time and denying it is all in a day’s work for CrackKid.
Ford’s first orders of business included proposing oral sex with a staffer, bragging about the amount of cunnilingus he performed on his wife, and using racial slurs against several minorities, among those gays, ‘Orientals’ and Muggles. He also got to smoke a joint at a public event, snort cocaine in the mayor’s office and smoke crack on camera.
A nation then looked on fondly as the jowly, constantly surprised, poor excuse of a man was allowed to ‘defend’ his ‘mayoralty’. Just hours into his political career, Rob Ford, an older-than-his-years, obese, flop sweaty, delusional, profane, abhorrent-in-every-way shitstain of a man, already had the press conference ‘apology’ down pat like a political veteran.
The city played along good-naturedly as ‘Mayor CrackKid’ defended his antics. Like a seasoned pro pol, the brave young crack addict’s bluster never faltered. But his softer side always won out, as the Mayor’s clumsy attempt to hug a female Councilwoman ended with her knocked down to the floor! Oh, Mr. Mayor!
Photo – Even superheroes can’t commit crimes on an empty stomach, so the mayor was given as much Molson’s as he wanted. Which, given his girth and advanced addiction to intoxicants, was a metric fuckton.
Afterwards, the Mayor got to give the finger to the crowd at a Toronto Argos game, drive drunk in the CrackKid car and ‘host’ his own radio show. On Twitter, #RFCrackKid was a top trending topic.
The Make-A-Wish foundation even allowed Ford to save a damsel in distress, as he offered one down on her luck lady a night’s work in the mayor’s office performing “under-the-table” services.
Local newspapers got in on the warm and fuzzies, with the Toronto Star selling out of a commemorative “I have smoked crack cocaine!” Mayor Ford cover.
In a heart-warming addition to the festivities, Ford’s intellectually even more diminutive brother was also granted his wish and given a seat on the Toronto City board for the day.
Said one chuckling citizen, “If we can make just one crack addict’s day this special, it’s worth making our city a worldwide joke, eh!”
Despite the citizenry’s best efforts, it was expected Mr. Ford would have not a single memory of the special citywide event.