PASS-ive Aggressive! BORG Expanding Parking Pass Program

2 09 2014
Safety 2nd

Safety 2nd

THIS YEAR, Burning Man introduced the parking pass—prophesied here 2 years ago—which brought order to motor entry and limited vehicle damage to the playa.

The Shroom has learned through a leaked letter to major BORG shareholder Dr. Dre that the parking pass was indeed just the tip, as more ‘enhanced revenue streams’ in the form of a wide range of passes are to be sold beginning next year.

Among the passes to be included for purchase next year:

TSA pass: Festival-goers who purchase this pass will be able to jump to the head of the line at the gate. They will be required to pre-screen before leaving home for the event and submit to a full body cavity search upon entering BRC.

Business class pass: Anyone unhappy with their camp will be able to upgrade to business class camping that offers premium plug and play amenities, RV hook-ups, more tent room, and free wifi.

Exodus Express Lane pass: Gives you exodus priority so you can speed by all those poor assholes on your way to Reno! The BORG asks that you observe the posted 55MPH signs in the express lanes.

Bike pass: Because of the immense wear and tear all the bikes cause to the playa, anyone wishing to ride a bike during the event will need a bike pass. It must be clearly displayed on your bike at all times and have appropriate lighting at night. Failure to do so will result in fines.

Love & Light pass: All spiritually conscious group-led events such as yoga, monkey chanting and meditation will require a pass. Nama$te.

Not Hot fast pass: Entitles Burners who aren’t otherwise sexy enough to get picked up by Robot Heart, Purple Palace, and other really bitchin’ big sound art cars, to ride on one of them once during the event (subject to blackouts on nights when something really cool gets burned).

Hall pass: For Burners unhappy with their current relationship. It also allows them to skip the line at the Orgy Dome.

Radically self-reliant pass: Radical self-reliance will now require an official permit. Once radically self-reliant passes have been purchased, Burners will receive instructions on how to make them themselves.

Daft Punk VIP pass: Holders of this pass will be among a select group of festival-goers to see Daft Punk perform live. The pass will also provide exclusive access to Larry’s VIP area, and bottle service.





The Record Setting Burning Man #Selfie!

1 09 2014
Burning Man's Most Important VIPs Gathered to Celebrate the Spirit of Burning Man

Ellen de Generes takes a Selfie with Sting, Oprah, a “tech elite’s RV”, Mark Zuckerberg, P. Diddy and his friend The Burning M.A.N., an unidentified man in a hat, VP Al Gore, Burning Man founder Dr. Dre, a Brentwood housewife and Angelina Jolie.

Stars Gather for the Inaugural Burning Man Awards!

First Camp, BRC – Burning Man’s first ever award show had celebrity burners flooding the pornj carpet, as the biggest, best and burningnest names gathered to gift each other with even more fame. A full list of award categories and winners from the Burnies will be in the next edition of The Shroom, now a fully owned subsidiary of TMZ.com.





Kidsville Expanding With New MidwifeVille!

21 08 2014

When recreational sex becomes procreational

KidsVille announced that due to the overwhelming amount of procreational fucking between Burners, they are adding MidwifeVille, which will be gifting full doula services to Black Rock City.

Now it will be much easier for Burners to give birth on the playa and not miss out on annual Black Rock festivities just because they are becoming parents.

“Just like a dust storm, you can’t always predict when a new baby will arrive,” says Hunka Momma, KidsVille camper and mother of three.

MidwifeVille’s founder and professional doula, Desert Rose, who has overseen home births, water births, and Indian style births, says, “I am elated at the prospect of my first playa birth!”

Old school burner Stork Mama was originally planning to give birth at Reno General Hospital, but was overjoyed when she heard about MidwifeVille. “Now I get the best of both worlds. I can give birth and see the Man burn at the same time!”

Grandparentsville will have an awesome front porch

Grandparentsville will have an awesome front porch

The BORG, thinking strategically about the needs of an ever-growing Black Rock City, tapped the shoulder of The Front Porch art car to take over another KidsVille expansion with GrandparentsVille. “We are going to use some funds to create high-tech electric rocking chairs and a real grass lawn that we can yell at kids to get off of,“ said Ol’ Bessie, one of The Front Porch founders.

According to Maid Marion, “Not only will this keep many creepy old men away from the Orgy Dome, it will also provide a perfect space where grandparents can boost our gifting economy and freely spoil inner and outer children without shame.”

To alleviate concerns that GrandparentsVille would simply become BabysitterVille, the BORG is giving subsidies and aid to start BabysitterVille, which will provide housing for low income ticket holders in return for volunteer au pair service work. Free birth control pills will be given to all au pairs. to ensure they don’t return require MidWifeVille the following year.

Of course Burning Man would not be where it is without pragmatism, so GrandparentsVille will also come complete with another sub-camp, AdultdaycareVille, which will be run by sexy nurses. This camp will take over pee funnel distribution and will gift bedazzled adult diapers to campers of all ages willing to party with them. Their program listing reads, “Ain’t no party like an adult diaper party, cause an adult diaper party don’t have to stop (to potty)!”

In the name of both public safety and radical inclusion, it has been determined that CreepyVanVille will be moved to the opposite side of the playa from KidsVille.

 





Burning Man “Pee Bucket Challenge” Raises Awareness for SPS

18 08 2014

Pee Bucket Challenge

The “Pee Bucket Challenge” has lit Burning Man social media on fire, raising awareness for SPS, one urine-soaked, pee-moistened, sometimes asparagus-tainted Burner at a time. The stunt goes like this: People make a video of themselves dumping a pee bucket over their heads, post it on Facebook, Instagram or other social media sites, and then challenge friends to do the same within 24 hours or donate $100 to SPS. (Many do both.)

The Pee Bucket Challenge raises both money and awareness for amyotrophic collateral sapathyeosis commonly called Sparkle Pony Syndrome. About 5,000 Burners now have the disease, which attacks brain cells leading to campmates sitting around and doing nothing but thinking of their own beautiful selves. Untreated, the condition ultimately leads to total spectatoritis. Life expectancy of the uselessness as a campmate is typically five to seven burns from the time of diagnosis.

 

 





The 10 More Questions Every Burning Man Virgin Should Ask Themselves

8 08 2014

There’s an article by Chip Conley called “The 5 Questions Every Burning Man Virgin Should Ask Themselves” that we felt was Just The Tip and needed a good thorough pounding completion.

Not really related to this article

10 questions every BM virgin should ask themselves:

 1. Is this a costume or just something I bought in a thrift store?

2. Am I really receiving divine guidance or is it just that I’m tripping balls inside a 150 degree port-a-pottie?

3. Am I just going to lie here during sex or am I going to participate?

4. Not really a question, but seriously, why the fuck did you #2 in our RV? We all agreed to poo in the port-a-potties.

5. Wouldn’t it be more productive to be compassionate of the tits?

6. Is he wearing a condom?

7. Are they wearing a condom?

8. Whose tent is this, and why am I still wearing a condom?

9. What can I do right now to make sure that next year I can honestly say, “Burning Man was better last year?”

10. How may I best serve thee, O long-time, hardcore Burner?

 

 





CrackKid! Toronto makes brave crackhead’s ‘Mayor-for-a-Day’ wish come true.

19 11 2013

crackkid

-Toronto, CA – A 44-year-old crack addict, Rob Ford has always wanted to be Mayor of his own city. Toronto’s Make-A-Wish foundation teamed up with millions of volunteers, TV crews, and even the Canadian Prime Minister to make this drug-addled manchild’s dreams come true for a day.

An entire city joined together in a heartwarming show of empathy that most rock bottom crack addicts never get to experience. Special permission was granted to give CrackKid full use of the Mayor’s office, ‘live’ press conferences with working TV cameras, and a communal spirit of making a CrackKid’s impossible dream come true—the entire city turned up to make CrackKid’s day as special as possible.

The delusional manchild has been a fan of politics since his youth, but an out of control drug habit had scuttled his dreams. Until now.

Photo - Perpetrating crime before dinner time is all in a day’s work for CrackKid.

Photo – Perpetrating crime before dinner time and denying it is all in a day’s work for CrackKid.

Ford’s first orders of business included proposing oral sex with a staffer, bragging about the amount of cunnilingus he performed on his wife, and using racial slurs against several minorities, among those gays, ‘Orientals’ and Muggles. He also got to smoke a joint at a public event, snort cocaine in the mayor’s office and smoke crack on camera.

A nation then looked on fondly as the jowly, constantly surprised, poor excuse of a man was allowed to ‘defend’ his ‘mayoralty’. Just hours into his political career, Rob Ford, an older-than-his-years, obese, flop sweaty, delusional, profane, abhorrent-in-every-way shitstain of a man, already had the press conference ‘apology’ down pat like a political veteran.

The city played along good-naturedly as ‘Mayor CrackKid’ defended his antics. Like a seasoned pro pol, the brave young crack addict’s bluster never faltered. But his softer side always won out, as the Mayor’s clumsy attempt to hug a female Councilwoman ended with her knocked down to the floor! Oh, Mr. Mayor!

Photo - Even superheroes can’t commit crimes on an empty stomach, so the mayor was given as much Molson’s as he wanted. Which, given his girth and advanced addiction to intoxicants, was a metric fuckton.

Photo – Even superheroes can’t commit crimes on an empty stomach, so the mayor was given as much Molson’s as he wanted. Which, given his girth and advanced addiction to intoxicants, was a metric fuckton.

Afterwards, the Mayor got to give the finger to the crowd at a Toronto Argos game, drive drunk in the CrackKid car and ‘host’ his own radio show. On Twitter, #RFCrackKid was a top trending topic.

The Make-A-Wish foundation even allowed Ford to save a damsel in distress, as he offered one down on her luck lady a night’s work in the mayor’s office performing “under-the-table” services.

Local newspapers got in on the warm and fuzzies, with the Toronto Star selling out of a commemorative “I have smoked crack cocaine!” Mayor Ford cover.

In a heart-warming addition to the festivities, Ford’s intellectually even more diminutive brother was also granted his wish and given a seat on the Toronto City board for the day.

Said one chuckling citizen, “If we can make just one crack addict’s day this special, it’s worth making our city a worldwide joke, eh!”

Despite the citizenry’s best efforts, it was expected Mr. Ford would have not a single memory of the special citywide event.

Yea! Mayor CrackKid!





Cable Guy Camp Somewhere Between 10 & 5 O’Clock

6 08 2013

4ebca245b3eab.image

For those Burners who don’t want to miss Breaking Bad, True Blood, the end of Dexter, or the beginning of college football, you don’t have to. Simply drop in on Cable Guy Camp to watch your fill.  There will also be marathon showings of your favorite shows, past and present! And for you gamers, there will be a gamer’s nook where you can play World of Warcraft and Second Life, just in case you get bored with the shenanigans on the Playa.

The awe-inspiring Cable Dome will feature easy-wipe leather couches, fifty 50′ LCD screens, THX sound, and the world’s largest collection of La-Z-Boy chairs! It will be a couch potato’s paradise!








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