BURNING WORLD!

2 09 2015

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Fed up with today’s throngs of tourists, sparkle ponies, and do-nothing virgins, Curmudgeon Camp has created the biggest, scariest, most burnier-than-thou dinosaur ever…Sanctimonious Rex. Scientists created the ferocious dino by combining the dinoburner DNA of Terriburnorous Rex, Prankosaurus, and Deadheadoraptor, which was extracted from fossilized playa boogers. The gaps in the gene sequences were then filled in with genetic material taken from Charlton Heston’s cold, dead hands.

Camp founder Nedrys Barbisol explains that creating a fearsome creature like S. Rex is worth the risk. “Purists upset with the current state of affairs believe Sanctimonius Rex will bring back the traditions of Burning Man by devouring the tourists and poseurs while berating everyone else to follow the Ten Principles.”

He assures us that the technology is safe and predictable and that nothing bad will happen because there are never any unforeseen accidents or unintended consequences with playing God.

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Butt Plug ‘n’ Play Camp Servicing Only Uber-Wealthy Assholes

17 08 2015

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Backdoor loving Burners across the playa are assed up about Sarlacc’s Pit, an exclusive new palace dedicated to the pleasures of the pucker – but only for the playa’s most powerful assholes.

“It’s a shocker,” complained Rusty Shandaleer, an ass play activist and long-time connoisseur of chocolate starfish stimulation. “This kind of crass commodification of an ass play buffet is going to make a lot of brown eyes blue.”

A source placed deep within the bowels of the camp told The Shroom that Pit Partiers, called PPs for short, dumped a lot of cash into attending Burning Man in order to take guided Segway tours, dine on lavish 5-star meals, and get their bungholes rigorously plunged, rammed, and stretched on demand day and night. The Shroom attempted to finger the exact amount, but at press time it was open-ended and still expanding.

The secluded anal enclave is rumored to pay sherpas to cornhole the likes of Uber CEO Travis Kalanick, Gwyneth Paltrow, and even ex-BORG member Jim Tananbaum, who enjoys having his poop chute billowed by pulsating Tom of Finland butt plugs and crystal Faberge eggs. The commodification and ‘me first’ attitude even extends to their lube, which is made solely from the tears of virgin sparkle ponies.

Many burners feel like they’re getting reamed and are now understandably butt hurt over the news. The gaping hole in the camp’s radical inclusion policy has left many tied up in balloon knots. “I had dreams of having the best fisting camp on the playa,” cried a burner named Rosebud. “Butt they went and wrecked ‘em”

 

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Guardian Angels Close to Throwing in the Towel

14 11 2014

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The Celestial Plane, BRC – After days and exhausting nights, and yet more goddamned days without sleeping again, your guardian angels were reportedly on the edge of just letting you join them in whatever afterlife you seemed so determined to cross over to during this year’s Burn.

“I’ve saved my girl from being crushed by a poorly structured ‘statue’, diverted the Hep D, that was lurking in that rasta dude’s foreskin, and protected her from undercooked unicorn meat quesadillas. I also saved her from choking on someone else’s vomit. And that was all from noon until sunset on Tuesday.”

“Burning Man is our hell week,” said the guardian angel. Adding, “If she wants to join me up here this much, let her. We could use some more help. Do you know how hard it is to protect 40,000 virgins from themselves?”

Not even the guardian angels of long-time Burners have it easy. “Larry nearly drowned diving into his pools of gold yesterday.”

At press time, a guardian angel was preventing Kim Kardashian from sticking her tongue into the generator that powers the Man. “That poor girl,” said her guardian angel, “Will stick her tongue into anything that reminds her of Kanye’s asshole.”





Hipster Drug Dealer Selling Artisanal Molly

13 11 2014

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Free-range ketamine, cruelty-free cocaine, and organic 2C-b/i blessed by a high priestess are just a few of the recreational chemicals available for sale by a new breed of craft-dedicated drug dealers in Black Rock City.

Tired of the mass-marketed drugs sold through major open air markets throughout the US, these hipster dealers in skinny-legged faux fur pants have gone to great lengths to ensure the quality of their product.

“When we cut your blow with corn starch, you can be damned sure that it’s GMO-free,” a burner calling himself Silk Toad said. “And we certify all of our products are made in small batches. None of that Walter White industrial bullshit. ”

At press time, Silk Toad was still working with a compatriot in Silver Lake to perfect his gluten-free, paleo-certified heroin.





White Ocean’s 11

12 11 2014

Millions stolen from superstar DJ camp!

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White Ocean was the victim of what can only be described as Burning Man’s biggest heist since ticket prices were raised in 2012. Large amounts of cash that were stashed in a state-of-the-art underground vault that had been installed over the summer are now gone.

Reports are sketchy, but a source within the White Ocean camp claims that a team of highly skilled thieves, con artists, and tech wizards infiltrated the upper echelons of White Ocean using clever ploys such as the promise of sex and free drugs. At risk is their entire star-studded lineup of DJs for the week including Oakenfold, who has refused to press ‘play’ until he gets paid.





Dues Explode in Camps Near Google Art Car Stops

9 11 2014

 

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Some camps with placement near stops along routes used by Google’s art cars are experiencing unprecedented hikes in camp dues. The air conditioned, wifi-enabled buses allow Googlers to work while they burn without dealing with the smells hassles of the general population.

As the tech art car buses have moved in, longtime residents have been evicted as gleaming new techie camps pop up. When asked about the effect on other camps that are not part of the Google shuttle service, Ashram Galactica camper Xander said, “Burners should accept the vicissitudes of the marketplace. If they want a festival where money doesn’t matter, they really need to look elsewhere.”

A ‘Disrupt BRC!’ protest scheduled to stop the Google art bus quickly and happily devolved into a roving unicorn orgy and not another fuck was given that day.





Brace Yourselves, Beheading Man is Coming.

9 11 2014

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Larry Harvey, the Unburnt, First of the Burners, King of the Black Rock, Master of RVs, Father of Dust Storms, has decreed, in conjunction with HBORG, that the 2015 theme will be Game of Thrones, and that the 2015 festival will henceforth be known as Beheading Man.

George R.R. Martin will be the honorary mayor of Black Rock City and promises an array of GoT art “you will spend the entire week falling in love with. The Beheading Man festival will end with a resplendent, celebratory wedding and then, The Man will be lovingly and carefully taken to Reno, where it will stand alive and untouched for all time.”

Said one excited burner, who would only give their name as The Red Viper, “This is amazing! My favorite festival and my favorite show combined!”

Said another, “Oh, god. We’re all really just a bunch of drugged out, oversexed, Dungeons & Dragons geeks in pseudo-spiritual clothing, aren’t we?”








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