Above: an artist’s rendition of The Man's escape
August 29, 2004
CENTER CAMP, (BRC) – Under cover of a midnight dust storm, The Man is believed to have escaped from his moorings and fled into the desert night. His intended destination and present whereabouts were not known at press time. Authorities described The Man as ‘Considered armed with fireworks and semi-dangerous, or perhaps really spectacularly entertaining.’
The Man was discovered to be missing in the pre-dawn light. 10 Rangers were found incapacitated and giggling near the former base of The Man. No one was hurt, but one ranger claimed she’d had a bad trip. It is assumed that the Rangers were dosed by an accomplice or accomplices of The Man.
Tracks led off to the SSW, possibly in the direction of Reno. However, a highly placed source within the Reno Police Department said investigators were focusing on Canada, which is more likely to offer asylum.
Burning Man founder Larry Harvey had the following written comments: “We’re surprised this hasn’t happened before. FUCK YEAH! Run, Man, Run!”
No witnesses were able to give an account of the escape, but one man, identified only as ‘The Moustache’ said he thought he saw an 8’ tall rabbit, or possibly a one-armed man, in the vicinity of The Man the previous night.
Authorities were unable to corroborate his story.
Lieutenant’s Brisco and Curtis of the Gerlach PD said they would be right on it, as soon as they were done checking out the action at Pinky’s.
News of the Man’s escape outside of Black Rock City has captivated the public at large. Unsurprisingly, the nation’s terror alert level has been raised somewhere between Pink and Orange. (Vice) President Cheney himself is believed to have signed an Executive Order commanding border patrols to ‘Shoot to Burn.’
In its absence, Burners have erected a 2 story tall structure resembling the adorable Balki from TV’s Perfect Strangers. The Burn Ceremony, Man or not, is expected to go on Saturday night as scheduled.
A Las Vegas Crime Scene Investigator is expected to arrive later today to further examine trace evidence left at the scene, including splinters, 12′ long footprints and what is rumored (and hoped) to be a large puddle of The Man’s saliva.
A BRC Rangers spokesperson allowed as to how in the future the perimeter of Guardian Rangers would face towards The Man, as the chance of escape was much greater than any person ever attempting or intending to do harm to the structure.