Hipster Drug Dealer Selling Artisanal Molly

13 11 2014


Free-range ketamine, cruelty-free cocaine, and organic 2C-b/i blessed by a high priestess are just a few of the recreational chemicals available for sale by a new breed of craft-dedicated drug dealers in Black Rock City.

Tired of the mass-marketed drugs sold through major open air markets throughout the US, these hipster dealers in skinny-legged faux fur pants have gone to great lengths to ensure the quality of their product.

“When we cut your blow with corn starch, you can be damned sure that it’s GMO-free,” a burner calling himself Silk Toad said. “And we certify all of our products are made in small batches. None of that Walter White industrial bullshit. ”

At press time, Silk Toad was still working with a compatriot in Silver Lake to perfect his gluten-free, paleo-certified heroin.

Rangers Rescue Chilean Minors Trapped in K-Hole

27 09 2011

The Black Rock Rangers were called to into the suburbs to rescue a contingent of 33 Chilean minors trapped in a K-Hole. They blamed their predicament on a mix up at breakfast. “Nosotros creíamos que comieron el cereal Special K,” said their camp leader, Augusto.

Dalrs’ Supplis of cstasy Dangrously Clos to mpty

19 09 2011

(4th & ngagmnt) – Campmat Drk informd vryon that h was rally low on cstacy. “I’v got cok, mscalin, pyot and ktamin,” said Drk, “But I hav on lon hit lft of  ‘e‘ that I’m kping for an mrgncy. vn if you got th mony, I can’t hlp. Mayb spak with th fllas at Camp P Pot,” h dirctd. “Or s if somon at Cntr Camp will sll you somthin’ bsids coff.”

A Shroom Survey: How Will Budget Cuts Affect Your Burn?

28 06 2010

1. Center Camp secretly switching to Folgers

2. Fireworks replaced with sparklers

3. Tuna camp switching to tilapia

4. Hired Paul Oakenfold’s 2nd cousin,  Mike

5. Condom turned inside-out, used again

6. All supplies bought at 99 cent store

7. Got RV without plasma screen

8. Switching to crack cocaine

9. Domes not geodesic

10. Downgrading designer drugs to generic brand

The Man Escapes!

6 05 2009
Above:  an artist’s rendition of The Man fleeing

Above: an artist’s rendition of The Man's escape

August 29, 2004

CENTER CAMP, (BRC) – Under cover of a midnight dust storm, The Man is believed to have escaped from his moorings and fled into the desert night. His intended destination and present whereabouts were not known at press time. Authorities described The Man as ‘Considered armed with fireworks and semi-dangerous, or perhaps really spectacularly entertaining.’

The Man was discovered to be missing in the pre-dawn light. 10 Rangers were found incapacitated and giggling near the former base of The Man. No one was hurt, but one ranger claimed she’d had a bad trip. It is assumed that the Rangers were dosed by an accomplice or accomplices of The Man.

Tracks led off to the SSW, possibly in the direction of Reno. However, a highly placed source within the Reno Police Department said investigators were focusing on Canada, which is more likely to offer asylum.

Burning Man founder Larry Harvey had the following written comments: “We’re surprised this hasn’t happened before. FUCK YEAH! Run, Man, Run!”

No witnesses were able to give an account of the escape, but one man, identified only as ‘The Moustache’ said he thought he saw an 8’ tall rabbit, or possibly a one-armed man, in the vicinity of The Man the previous night.

Authorities were unable to corroborate his story.

Lieutenant’s Brisco and Curtis of the Gerlach PD said they would be right on it, as soon as they were done checking out the action at Pinky’s.

News of the Man’s escape outside of Black Rock City has captivated the public at large. Unsurprisingly, the nation’s terror alert level has been raised somewhere between Pink and Orange. (Vice) President Cheney himself is believed to have signed an Executive Order commanding border patrols to ‘Shoot to Burn.’

In its absence, Burners have erected a 2 story tall structure resembling the adorable Balki from TV’s Perfect Strangers. The Burn Ceremony, Man or not, is expected to go on Saturday night as scheduled.

A Las Vegas Crime Scene Investigator is expected to arrive later today to further examine trace evidence left at the scene, including splinters, 12′ long footprints and what is rumored (and hoped) to be a large puddle of The Man’s saliva.

A BRC Rangers spokesperson allowed as to how in the future the perimeter of Guardian Rangers would face towards The Man, as the chance of escape was much greater than any person ever attempting or intending to do harm to the structure.

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