Shirt Cocker: Despite another year of ostracism in the dust, your hope and individuality is unflinching. And while most of the people in BRC are either embarrassed for you or reviled by you, this may be the year that some cute little virgin Darktard clam-dipper saunters into your camp and gets you to shed that chemise.
Top: Oh, look, another Burning Man you’re ready to take charge of. How original. How about sitting back and letting things come to you for a change? With Mercury out of retrograde and Astroglide in Uranus perhaps it’s time to switch things up.
Bottom: The power of Dre compels you to take a different tack and bridle and put them on someone else for a change. We won’t spoil the surprise, but you’re about to have quite the romp in the dust this year. Make sure you take only mental images. Trust us.
Unicorn: It’s unlikely you could do anything which measures up to your escapades last year as unicorn energy was exalted, but we know you’ll try. Your excruciating panache is matched only by the gag reflex others experience in your wake. Haters gonna hate.
Darktard: This is YOUR year! And if you’re a virgin this year, this is YOUR zodiac sign! Not what you were hoping for, huh? You’ll grow into it, don’t worry. In the meantime, try not to let that obnoxious rebellious streak get out of hand, okay? And keep on the lookout for that special shirtcocker out there. The good news never ends for you, does it?
Rainbow: Okay, we need to talk. You can avoid some of your classic missteps, like using grey water to make the red beans and rice on your kitchen shift, simply by paying a bit more attention to the task at hand instead of worrying about your costuming every moment of the day. And while we’re on the subject, honesty is usually the best policy. You should have thrown out the red beans and rice instead of serving it hoping no one would notice.
Shroom: If ever there was a person on whom good advice is wasted, it’s you. You don’t listen for shit. On the other hand, you’ll end up doing exactly what you feel like doing and have a great time anyway.
Clown: Going for the through-the-crotch move your first time spinning fire results in others laughing AT you, not with you. To wit: don’t try so hard. And if you can manage, tone down your creepy stare to a mildly uncomfortable gaze this year. The world is a tense place these days, so you’re needed now more than ever.
Ninja: You’re once again primed and ready for a record year getting onto art cars. You can be a kinder, gentler ninja by assisting the less fortunate (read: unattractive) and letting them tag along with you. Also, we feel really guilty about lying to the clowns that they’re needed this year. Please don’t say anything, okay?
Faerie: Are you really going to be that happy all week? Ugh.
Pirate: Your ambivalent outlook papers over your myriad shortcomings. Try not to second guess yourself so much. And in the spirit of the playa (whatever that fucking means) it’s time to extend an olive branch, thaw that icy spot in your heart, maybe even come up with a less trite way to express the same sentiment.
Sparkle Pony: We’ve been thinking long and hard about what to say to you. But instead we’ll just give you your horoscope. THINK MOTHERFUCKER. That should help here as well as back in the default world. And FYI, some with hatchets may be ready to bury them. Just be careful, it’s easy to drop a pin on where in Google maps in case they decide they want to pick it back up.