White Ocean’s 11

12 11 2014

Millions stolen from superstar DJ camp!

42739_3_bio_gallery_thumb_large

White Ocean was the victim of what can only be described as Burning Man’s biggest heist since ticket prices were raised in 2012. Large amounts of cash that were stashed in a state-of-the-art underground vault that had been installed over the summer are now gone.

Reports are sketchy, but a source within the White Ocean camp claims that a team of highly skilled thieves, con artists, and tech wizards infiltrated the upper echelons of White Ocean using clever ploys such as the promise of sex and free drugs. At risk is their entire star-studded lineup of DJs for the week including Oakenfold, who has refused to press ‘play’ until he gets paid.

Advertisements




Music Review: New Genre Called CuntStep Mixes Country & Dubstep

20 09 2011

“My wife took my pickup and left me wubbwubbwubb, my dog ran awobblewobblewobble, and thwapthwapthwap, and my whiskey is all gogogogogogowoooooooommmmmmmworkwooomBOOOOOOOMwhapwhapwhapwhapwhapworkingingingigningwubwubwubwubwubbbbbb,” is understandably the hottest new sound to which self-important DJs are masturbating to these days on the Playa.

If you’re on the dustfloor and you hear the heartache of country music mixed with the earache of the wobble, you’ve been cuntstepped. Led by DJ Garth Skrillex, Bo & Luke Doucheous and a rejuvenated Billy Ray Cyrus, its trademark wobble and dark matter are strained through the South and served up with grit.





Advice Column – Ask a Honey Badger

14 09 2011

By a Honey Badger – The Most Fearless Creature in the Animal Kingdom.

Dear Honey Badger,

Lately I can’t help but hear the rumors that Larry Harvey, the founder of Burning Man, is a shape-shifting vampire. Are the rumors true? Am I in any mortal danger?

Signed,
FangHater

 

Dear FH:

 Awwww, look. Honey Badger knows Larry Harvey is an immortal vampire for sure. He even took a big bite out of us once, sucking our blood with his fangs. But Honey Badger don’t give a shit! Honey Badger just took a disco nap, got back up and took a big bite out of Larry’s cobra (THAT IS SO DISGUSTING! EW! LOOK AT THAT! HONEY BADGER’S EATING OLD MAN BALLS! SICK! BUT HONEY BADGER DON’T CARE. HONEY BADGER EATS EANYTHING!).

 So, no, you’re not in any mortal danger, but if Larry Harvey does suck your blood, you may want to get checked for Hep C and geriatric ball fungus. Better yet, don’t give a shit!

 

 

Dear Honey Badger,

I’m a first time Burner and a DJ. Should I be worried about playing in a dust storm?

Signed,
DJ Pauly D.

 

Dear Douchebag:

 While it’s important to keep your equipment safe – I recommend Ziplock bags, but honestly, HONEY BADGER DON’T CARE IF THERE’S A DUST STORM! DJ HONEY BADGER JUST CRAY-ZAY ANYWAY!

 

 

Dear Honey Badger,

My boyfriend wants to perform a sex move he heard about called the Playa Shocker. I’m not sure what it is, but Burning Man’s all about experimentation, right?

Signed,
PlayaTryerShockinglyDeep

 

Dear PTSD,

 Honey Badger’s an admitted nasty-ass nocturnal beast. And Honey Badger really doesn’t give a shit EXCEPT WHEN SHE DOES COMPLETELY GIVE A SHIT!  Because the Playa Shocker? That’s disgusting and really nasty-ass (Ed – It’s *really* disgusting and I’m gay.) It’s a variation on fingerbanging (ew – ed.) Where the two top fingers go in the deep playa and the pinkie goes in the trash fence. And for Honey Badger, things ONLY EXIT her Trash Fence; never enter!!!

 

 

Dear HoneyBadger,

It’s hard to get proper nutrition at Burning Man. Do you have any suggestions?

Signed,
Magellan

 

Dear Magellan,

 Aw, food is easy to find if you know where to look and you just don’t care. I love eating cobras but they’re hard to find. But you can find food anywhere if you just don’t give a fuck. Like RV-black water tanks – they’re full of larva. And if you dig under the Playa, there’s black widows, too (Ed. Ick.) And in most cuddle puddles you can find bedbugs. But you know where Honey Badger really finds the best meals – in the Honey Pots. There’s always something there. (Ewwww – GROSS! THAT’S DISGUSTING!)

 Honey Badger is a board-certified nutritionist and DJ that just don’t give a shit.

 





Burning Man Twice as Gay on Friday!

10 07 2010

Gay Burning Man leaders were thrilled after the appearance of double rainbows heralded a Friday night that would be double the usual amount of gay.

“Break out your tiara, because it’s double G-A-Y tonight”, said Sparkles.  A Jiffy Lube Camp spokesman stated that they were putting up additional fuck swings to handle the expected increase in traffic.  A Playa-wide alert was issued to all Friday night DJs advising them to stock up on Danny Tenaglia records.

Photo by Carie Camacho





Drum ‘n’ Treble Night Not Catching On

22 06 2010

Campmates were reporting that Thursday’s late night DJ PitchUp set drove away dancers in record time. The Brazilian dance sensation’s patented ‘Thump-Tweet” sound began at sunrise and within twenty minutes had emptied the dancefloor.

Said one attendee named Orange, “With the sun coming up and everything, I thought he was building to a big break. I get that the bird noises were supposed to be the sound of birds at sunrise, but I have to admit I was a little confused by the dolphin chatter. When the music didn’t go anywhere after 20 minutes, I decided to go get a latte. So did most everyone else.”

Said a petulant, DJ PitchUp, “I’m too far ahead of my time. At least, my dogs love the Drum’n’treble.”





Meditation Interrupted by Goddamn Dubstep Again.

11 06 2010

Yogi Vima’s morning meditation ritual was goddamn interrupted again by those goddamned dubstep DJ’s according to several campmates.

“I was really opening up my chakras when I just felt this dark intrusion,” she said. “Y’know, Ommmmmmm-whoomp-whoomp-whoomp, Om-whoomp-whoomp-whoomp.” Local DJs said they were unaware of any goddamn noise complaints or spiritual interruptions.

“Ganesha damned DJs,” Vima declared. “Why can’t they be finding their nectar in something besides bass?”





Famous DJ Totally Supposed to be Spinning Some Night Somewhere on the Playa

25 05 2010

One of your campmates has apparently found out through an unnamed source that a famed Miami or Ibiza or London DJ with a first or last name that begins with “P” was going to be spinning at an undisclosed location in the deep Playa.  The timing of the set could not be confirmed at press time, but was believed to be after dark and before sunset either sometime during the middle or late in the week.  Sources were unsure.








%d bloggers like this: