PASS-ive Aggressive! BORG Expanding Parking Pass Program

2 09 2014
Safety 2nd

Safety 3rd

THIS YEAR, Burning Man introduced the parking pass—prophesied here 2 years ago—which brought order to motor entry and limited vehicle damage to the playa.

The Shroom has learned through a leaked letter to major BORG shareholder Dr. Dre that the parking pass was indeed just the tip, as more ‘enhanced revenue streams’ in the form of a wide range of passes are to be sold beginning next year.

Among the passes to be included for purchase next year:

TSA pass: Festival-goers who purchase this pass will be able to jump to the head of the line at the gate. They will be required to pre-screen before leaving home for the event and submit to a full body cavity search upon entering BRC.

Business class pass: Anyone unhappy with their camp will be able to upgrade to business class camping that offers premium plug and play amenities, RV hook-ups, more tent room, and free wifi.

Exodus Express Lane pass: Gives you exodus priority so you can speed by all those poor assholes on your way to Reno! The BORG asks that you observe the posted 55MPH signs in the express lanes.

Bike pass: Because of the immense wear and tear all the bikes cause to the playa, anyone wishing to ride a bike during the event will need a bike pass. It must be clearly displayed on your bike at all times and have appropriate lighting at night. Failure to do so will result in fines.

Love & Light pass: All spiritually conscious group-led events such as yoga, monkey chanting and meditation will require a pass. Nama$te.

Not Hot fast pass: Entitles Burners who aren’t otherwise sexy enough to get picked up by Robot Heart, Purple Palace, and other really bitchin’ big sound art cars, to ride on one of them once during the event (subject to blackouts on nights when something really cool gets burned).

Hall pass: For Burners unhappy with their current relationship. It also allows them to skip the line at the Orgy Dome.

Radically self-reliant pass: Radical self-reliance will now require an official permit. Once radically self-reliant passes have been purchased, Burners will receive instructions on how to make them themselves.

Daft Punk VIP pass: Holders of this pass will be among a select group of festival-goers to see Daft Punk perform live. The pass will also provide exclusive access to Larry’s VIP area, and bottle service.

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2 responses

2 09 2014
5 Burns Bro
3 09 2014
Anonymous

What about a Sparkle Pony Pass. This could entitle them to wear an official SPP badge just in case.

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