The Man Steps Down Amid Sexual Harrassment Claims

29 01 2018

Black Rock City’s iconic figure, The Man, is the latest high-profile celebrity embroiled in a scandal involving sexual misconduct. As a result, he will not stand for re-erection in 2018 effective immediately. Pressure had been mounting for the celebrated public servant to resign after the release of the book Fire and Furry, in which multiple accusers detailed his lewd and lascivious behavior spanning three decades.

While none of the book’s most incendiary claims have yet been confirmed, there is a pattern to the alleged victims’ stories. Allegations of his abuse have been an open secret in the Burner community and include various perversions from giving unwanted splinters to 2nd degree burns to breaking down RV doors and then MOOPing into potted plants.

Reading from prepared remarks at the Reno Walmart parking lot, The Man said “I don’t recall ever meeting many of my accusers. However, for those few of you whose faces I do recognize, I recall the events very differently from their portrayal in the book.” The Man dismissed the accusations as Burner’s Remorse.

Defending his years of being an upstanding citizen at the center of the city, The Man seemed bewildered and up in arms by the public outrage against him. “Before Burning Man sold out, shirtcocking with wood was as natural as firing a gun. Radical self-reliance means I’m responsible for my sexual needs, and participation means I seek out partners for those needs. I’ve done nothing wrong.”

Many in attendance found his attempts to TheMansplain tone deaf and unacceptable. Said Aphrosmite, “Ultimately, being burned at the stake is a privilege, not a right.”

Immediately after the public apology, a hot mic caught The Man joking with his publicists, “Who’s got no thumbs and just lied about his sexual harassment history? This guy.”

While it’s unclear what The Man will do after the smoke has cleared and the dust has settled, he doesn’t seem to have lost the support of his base. Not shying away from expressing some bitterness over the fallout, he hinted that he might see if there’s room for him at Coachella.

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