White Ocean’s 11

12 11 2014

Millions stolen from superstar DJ camp!

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White Ocean was the victim of what can only be described as Burning Man’s biggest heist since ticket prices were raised in 2012. Large amounts of cash that were stashed in a state-of-the-art underground vault that had been installed over the summer are now gone.

Reports are sketchy, but a source within the White Ocean camp claims that a team of highly skilled thieves, con artists, and tech wizards infiltrated the upper echelons of White Ocean using clever ploys such as the promise of sex and free drugs. At risk is their entire star-studded lineup of DJs for the week including Oakenfold, who has refused to press ‘play’ until he gets paid.





We are the Night’s Watch

11 11 2014

We are the Night’s Watch

By the DPW


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Dust gathers, and now our watch begins. It shall not end until all the MOOP is picked up, or we run out of cheap booze. We shall take no pay, use no RVs, nor father children that we know about. We shall wear no faux fur and resent the glory reserved for DJs. We shall sneer and look down our collective nose at the lot of you. We are the shovels in the darkness. We are the builders of the perimeter fence. We extinguish the fires and leave you in the cold. We take home the valuable shit you dolts leave behind; we are the players of punk rock that wakes the sleepers, the peering eyes that peep in your tents. We pledge our shitty attitudes and cheap booze to the Night’s Watch, for this night and all the nights to come.

 

No, we are the Night’s Watch

By the Rangers 

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Dust gathers, and now OUR watch begins. It shall not end until our last shift is over and we can get the hell to Reno. DPW, you are just the builders of the wall. Who protects the common folk when they hydrate with vodka? Who is actually watching, here? The Rangers, the real Night’s Watch. We will like, literally live and die at our posts without so much as a scrap of gratitude from anyone. We are the sober ones in the darkness. We are the watchers on the perimeter fence. You are all a bunch of lunatic Roose Boltons in black, while we’re the ones who (now) keep the Man safe at night.

We are the light that shines on you whilst you copulate in public, the voice that points and laughs at you for peeing on the playa, the guides who take your fucked up friends to RAMPART. So don’t fuck with us, because remember, a Lannister always pays his debts!





A Playa Guide to Cocktails

10 11 2014

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This year’s most popular drinks according to the Playa’s trendiest bars:

 

  1. Dusty navel
  2. MOOPtini
  3. Rum and cock
  4. A quick, painful screw up against a tent pole
  5. Dirty Virgin
  6. Larry Harvey Wallbanger
  7. Shirley Temple Burn
  8. Melon blue balls
  9. Jizzicle
  10. Ebola Mary




Burning Man Zodiac – Horoscopes…2014

10 11 2014

 

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Shirt Cocker: Despite another year of ostracism in the dust, your hope and individuality is unflinching. And while most of the people in BRC are either embarrassed for you or reviled by you, this may be the year that some cute little virgin Darktard clam-dipper saunters into your camp and gets you to shed that chemise.

Top: Oh, look, another Burning Man you’re ready to take charge of. How original. How about sitting back and letting things come to you for a change? With Mercury out of retrograde and Astroglide in Uranus perhaps it’s time to switch things up.

Bottom: The power of Dre compels you to take a different tack and bridle and put them on someone else for a change. We won’t spoil the surprise, but you’re about to have quite the romp in the dust this year. Make sure you take only mental images. Trust us.

Unicorn: It’s unlikely you could do anything which measures up to your escapades last year as unicorn energy was exalted, but we know you’ll try. Your excruciating panache is matched only by the gag reflex others experience in your wake. Haters gonna hate.

Darktard: This is YOUR year! And if you’re a virgin this year, this is YOUR zodiac sign! Not what you were hoping for, huh? You’ll grow into it, don’t worry. In the meantime, try not to let that obnoxious rebellious streak get out of hand, okay? And keep on the lookout for that special shirtcocker out there. The good news never ends for you, does it?

Rainbow: Okay, we need to talk. You can avoid some of your classic missteps, like using grey water to make the red beans and rice on your kitchen shift, simply by paying a bit more attention to the task at hand instead of worrying about your costuming every moment of the day. And while we’re on the subject, honesty is usually the best policy. You should have thrown out the red beans and rice instead of serving it hoping no one would notice.

Shroom: If ever there was a person on whom good advice is wasted, it’s you. You don’t listen for shit. On the other hand, you’ll end up doing exactly what you feel like doing and have a great time anyway.

Clown: Going for the through-the-crotch move your first time spinning fire results in others laughing AT you, not with you. To wit: don’t try so hard. And if you can manage, tone down your creepy stare to a mildly uncomfortable gaze this year. The world is a tense place these days, so you’re needed now more than ever.

Ninja: You’re once again primed and ready for a record year getting onto art cars. You can be a kinder, gentler ninja by assisting the less fortunate (read: unattractive) and letting them tag along with you. Also, we feel really guilty about lying to the clowns that they’re needed this year. Please don’t say anything, okay?

Faerie: Are you really going to be that happy all week? Ugh.

Pirate: Your ambivalent outlook papers over your myriad shortcomings. Try not to second guess yourself so much. And in the spirit of the playa (whatever that fucking means) it’s time to extend an olive branch, thaw that icy spot in your heart, maybe even come up with a less trite way to express the same sentiment.

Sparkle Pony: We’ve been thinking long and hard about what to say to you. But instead we’ll just give you your horoscope. THINK MOTHERFUCKER. That should help here as well as back in the default world. And FYI, some with hatchets may be ready to bury them. Just be careful, it’s easy to drop a pin on where in Google maps in case they decide they want to pick it back up.





Dues Explode in Camps Near Google Art Car Stops

9 11 2014

 

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Some camps with placement near stops along routes used by Google’s art cars are experiencing unprecedented hikes in camp dues. The air conditioned, wifi-enabled buses allow Googlers to work while they burn without dealing with the smells hassles of the general population.

As the tech art car buses have moved in, longtime residents have been evicted as gleaming new techie camps pop up. When asked about the effect on other camps that are not part of the Google shuttle service, Ashram Galactica camper Xander said, “Burners should accept the vicissitudes of the marketplace. If they want a festival where money doesn’t matter, they really need to look elsewhere.”

A ‘Disrupt BRC!’ protest scheduled to stop the Google art bus quickly and happily devolved into a roving unicorn orgy and not another fuck was given that day.





Brace Yourselves, Beheading Man is Coming.

9 11 2014

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Larry Harvey, the Unburnt, First of the Burners, King of the Black Rock, Master of RVs, Father of Dust Storms, has decreed, in conjunction with HBORG, that the 2015 theme will be Game of Thrones, and that the 2015 festival will henceforth be known as Beheading Man.

George R.R. Martin will be the honorary mayor of Black Rock City and promises an array of GoT art “you will spend the entire week falling in love with. The Beheading Man festival will end with a resplendent, celebratory wedding and then, The Man will be lovingly and carefully taken to Reno, where it will stand alive and untouched for all time.”

Said one excited burner, who would only give their name as The Red Viper, “This is amazing! My favorite festival and my favorite show combined!”

Said another, “Oh, god. We’re all really just a bunch of drugged out, oversexed, Dungeons & Dragons geeks in pseudo-spiritual clothing, aren’t we?”





PASS-ive Aggressive! BORG Expanding Parking Pass Program

2 09 2014
Safety 2nd

Safety 3rd

THIS YEAR, Burning Man introduced the parking pass—prophesied here 2 years ago—which brought order to motor entry and limited vehicle damage to the playa.

The Shroom has learned through a leaked letter to major BORG shareholder Dr. Dre that the parking pass was indeed just the tip, as more ‘enhanced revenue streams’ in the form of a wide range of passes are to be sold beginning next year.

Among the passes to be included for purchase next year:

TSA pass: Festival-goers who purchase this pass will be able to jump to the head of the line at the gate. They will be required to pre-screen before leaving home for the event and submit to a full body cavity search upon entering BRC.

Business class pass: Anyone unhappy with their camp will be able to upgrade to business class camping that offers premium plug and play amenities, RV hook-ups, more tent room, and free wifi.

Exodus Express Lane pass: Gives you exodus priority so you can speed by all those poor assholes on your way to Reno! The BORG asks that you observe the posted 55MPH signs in the express lanes.

Bike pass: Because of the immense wear and tear all the bikes cause to the playa, anyone wishing to ride a bike during the event will need a bike pass. It must be clearly displayed on your bike at all times and have appropriate lighting at night. Failure to do so will result in fines.

Love & Light pass: All spiritually conscious group-led events such as yoga, monkey chanting and meditation will require a pass. Nama$te.

Not Hot fast pass: Entitles Burners who aren’t otherwise sexy enough to get picked up by Robot Heart, Purple Palace, and other really bitchin’ big sound art cars, to ride on one of them once during the event (subject to blackouts on nights when something really cool gets burned).

Hall pass: For Burners unhappy with their current relationship. It also allows them to skip the line at the Orgy Dome.

Radically self-reliant pass: Radical self-reliance will now require an official permit. Once radically self-reliant passes have been purchased, Burners will receive instructions on how to make them themselves.

Daft Punk VIP pass: Holders of this pass will be among a select group of festival-goers to see Daft Punk perform live. The pass will also provide exclusive access to Larry’s VIP area, and bottle service.








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