BORG Lottery Conspiracy Just the Tip

Black Rock City, NV – Unless you’ve been living under a pile of MOOP all year you know by now that this year’s ticketing situation makes The Great Sellout of 2011 seem like the good ol’ days. At first we were like most, willing to buy the story of excess demand, poor judgment, and plain bad luck as the reasons for getting shafted this year.

However, the folks at another blog dedicated to all things Burning Man, and we shan’t name names, suggest that the BORG have engineered the whole thing. They have patched together a conspiracy theory that would make Oliver Stone blush.

What the disenfranchised don’t know is that the BORG’s plan to rob people of a trip to the playa this year is just the tip. As other misdeeds come to light, burners will feel like they got the whole nine inches.  Well-placed Shroom operatives have uncovered a trove of old cocktail napkins on which are written some of the BORG’s most pernicious plans.

Among the shocking revelations:

• It was Maid Marian, not Yoko Ono, who broke up The Beatles.
• Larry Harvey, who is a shape-shifting vampire, perpetrated the Inquisition as Torquemada.
• Danger Ranger was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
• Andie Grace started the rumor that the works of William Shakespeare were really written by a woman.
• Will Chase is a government plant, and registered republican, secretly keeping files on everyone.

Shroom Exclusive! 2012 Burning Man Theme: “Jumping the Shark”

Artist's awesome rendering by Eric Stilan

The Shroom has learned through a reliable source* that the BORG will announce the 2012 Burning Man theme is ‘Jumping the Shark’.

Henry Winkler – whose beloved (and gay) son Halcyon is a longtime Burner – has agreed to attend his very first Burning Man in character as The Fonz and will be the very first grand marshall for the festival.

Ron Howard’s directorial schedule will prevent him from attending, but he will be sending his brother Clint in his stead. As of press time, it was unknown if Potsie, Ralph Malph and Chachi  would also be attending.

* One of our staffer’s sister’s ex-girlfriend’s frenemy’s dog’s acupuncturist, who also treats Larry Harvey’s werewolves.

Hunting Man!

BLM to permit hunting of Burners to thin an overpopulated herd.

Said one eager hunter, “Be vewy vewy quiet. Weah hunting shuhtcwockuhs! Huuuuhuuu huuuuuhuuuuuuuh.”

Photo by Nightshade at TheBlight.net

GERLACH, NV—In a move applauded by the NRA, the BLM has issued permits to allow limited hunting and bagging of humans in the Black Rock Desert. “Given this year’s sell out, massive scalping and a population well over 50,000, we agreed that this was the best way to start limiting future attendance,” the BORG announced in a press release.

“Yeeeeeeehaaaawwwww,” stated an NRA spokesperson. “Shit is on!”

Big game hunters are allowed to stalk ‘game’ throughout Black Rock City and the Deep Playa. Burning Man, previously a temporary nature pre- serve of hippies, techies, swingers, druggies, and a few artists, now permits the lethal, but humane, ‘thinning’ of any part of the adult herd. Burners previously had no natural predators other than their own stupidity and Larry Harvey, who is a shape-shifting vampire.

“We’re allowing this for the good of the tribe,” said BLM spokesperson Ted Nugent. “Done correctly, this will eliminate the sick and the weak while scaring off the spectators and the yahoos, leaving behind only the strongest, most hardcore Burners.”

One advocate thought the permits didn’t go far enough. “Kill them all! Shoot every last ‘til they can never walk the face of the earth or light a match! Execute every last single one of them!” said The Man.

Another hunter was practicing a Burning Man call – “Bacon! Get your free bacon!” He said, “We want to get our hunt in this year – we heard next year Hunting Man will be too commercial.” Terms and conditions were amended to include ‘possibility of death, dismemberment, being shot with rifle or bow, stepping in a bear trap and/or hurting of mouth via fish hook.’

While glow-stick fishermen have long roamed the playa, and swingers have long searched and high and low for new meat, this is the first time that killing has been permitted. The BORG, initially resistant to the idea, passed the motion with the approval of their Google overlords. The hunting of DPW workers is banned, but it’s not as if anyone would want to eat their desiccated, alcohol-pickled meat anyway.

Pyramid Lake Native Americans Paiutes are, of course, banned from hunting on their historic tribal lands, but the BORG and BLM have graciously permitted them to sell Indian tacos to the hunters.

The Walt Disney Company was eager to begin filming an animated feature about an orphaned Burner child to be called Bacchus the Alcoholic Orphan Bear. Said one burner in favor of hunting named EZ, “What could be more radically self-reliant than having to run for your very survival?”

Don’t look now, but there’s a red laser dot on your forehead.

For permit applications, information on the point system, and helpful hunting tips, please contact the NRA or visit http://www.HuntingMan.com.