Hunting Man!

21 09 2011

BLM to permit hunting of Burners to thin an overpopulated herd.

Said one eager hunter, “Be vewy vewy quiet. Weah hunting shuhtcwockuhs! Huuuuhuuu huuuuuhuuuuuuuh.”

Photo by Nightshade at TheBlight.net

GERLACH, NV—In a move applauded by the NRA, the BLM has issued permits to allow limited hunting and bagging of humans in the Black Rock Desert. “Given this year’s sell out, massive scalping and a population well over 50,000, we agreed that this was the best way to start limiting future attendance,” the BORG announced in a press release.

“Yeeeeeeehaaaawwwww,” stated an NRA spokesperson. “Shit is on!”

Big game hunters are allowed to stalk ‘game’ throughout Black Rock City and the Deep Playa. Burning Man, previously a temporary nature pre- serve of hippies, techies, swingers, druggies, and a few artists, now permits the lethal, but humane, ‘thinning’ of any part of the adult herd. Burners previously had no natural predators other than their own stupidity and Larry Harvey, who is a shape-shifting vampire.

“We’re allowing this for the good of the tribe,” said BLM spokesperson Ted Nugent. “Done correctly, this will eliminate the sick and the weak while scaring off the spectators and the yahoos, leaving behind only the strongest, most hardcore Burners.”

One advocate thought the permits didn’t go far enough. “Kill them all! Shoot every last ‘til they can never walk the face of the earth or light a match! Execute every last single one of them!” said The Man.

Another hunter was practicing a Burning Man call – “Bacon! Get your free bacon!” He said, “We want to get our hunt in this year – we heard next year Hunting Man will be too commercial.” Terms and conditions were amended to include ‘possibility of death, dismemberment, being shot with rifle or bow, stepping in a bear trap and/or hurting of mouth via fish hook.’

While glow-stick fishermen have long roamed the playa, and swingers have long searched and high and low for new meat, this is the first time that killing has been permitted. The BORG, initially resistant to the idea, passed the motion with the approval of their Google overlords. The hunting of DPW workers is banned, but it’s not as if anyone would want to eat their desiccated, alcohol-pickled meat anyway.

Pyramid Lake Native Americans Paiutes are, of course, banned from hunting on their historic tribal lands, but the BORG and BLM have graciously permitted them to sell Indian tacos to the hunters.

The Walt Disney Company was eager to begin filming an animated feature about an orphaned Burner child to be called Bacchus the Alcoholic Orphan Bear. Said one burner in favor of hunting named EZ, “What could be more radically self-reliant than having to run for your very survival?”

Don’t look now, but there’s a red laser dot on your forehead.

For permit applications, information on the point system, and helpful hunting tips, please contact the NRA or visit http://www.HuntingMan.com.

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11 responses

21 09 2011
Gary Young

I yi yi , I attend and I will shoot back with the lethal Free-ze-ARTgun, making them part of the landscape art installation. Why not be admired for your talents when a stabilized meat statue really says it all about your commitment.

21 09 2011
Bacchus

The Hunters- forgetting that the event was, after all, formed by Anarchists- were not prepared to be hunted in return. Statements from Black Rock Rangers were enthusiastic. “Khaki is fantastic Camoflage and the Hunters (required by law to wear HiVis hunting garb) stick out like undercover cops at a transvestite convention. It’s like JuPlaya all over again!” Rangers were last seen riding around the event on top of an armored hearse, Bagging and tagging hunters, the occasional DPW worker and Sparklepony. “We all bought permits this year. Oh? That DPW asshole? He was totally coming right for us…”

25 09 2011
Glenn Michael Brockett

Did you not notice that the hunters pictured WERE rangers?

19 09 2014
Lookb4uleap

Yes, if you would read Bacchus’s comment again, Mr. Brockett, you would understand that the rangers pictured were rangers hunting” the hunters”, therefore making the rangers themselves hunters as well. The photographers who attempted to take pictures of the original hunters were killed and eaten, so these were the only available photos to run with this story.

21 09 2011
TomCat

The Gerlach Regional Burn sold out so many years ago. Getting your guns back from Larrys will not make a difference. You still need permits- permits for the guns, DMV permits for the driveby shooting range, permits to ‘gift’ the Hippie jerky and Sparklepony bacon
Some buncha anarchists you are. Sounds like an elitist clique.

19 09 2014
Lookb4uleap

All ‘anarchists’ are either angry loners, or members of an elitist clique. Such is humanity; why haven’t you noticed this already?

21 09 2011
Anonymous

This is my FrogBat you hippie! and it Eats Hippies(which i guess includes burners) but it’s the FrogBat getting shot here.
-Otto Von Danger

21 09 2011
MadMaxine

Permits? We don’ need no steenking permits!!

21 09 2011
Cat

Shut up Otto, the Shroom doesn’t need to know about FrogBat.
He’ll sneak up on them soon enough and we’ll be there to laugh!
Cat

22 09 2011
Brian McGloin

In the eyes of the Air Force (stop laughing) I’m an expert marksman as well as an excellent photographer.

I have an idea for a theme camp based on those silly forward operating bases in the Hindu Kush, only instead of occupying another country to make big corporations wealthy, I’ll set up camp to take down those fucking NRA rednecks. We have a deal worked out with the permanent Israeli settlement in the deep playa to defend our rightful borders, and to crank some beats and grill bacon and bison bacon burgers.

Dr. Dre, Bassnectar and Henry Rollins will perform together for … eh, sonic interference or something, while the rest of us man the sniper rifles. We have radar, night vision, plenty of organic coffee and patience. I plan to lure some sparkeponies with free acid, rainbows and transgender uniforms to draw fire from the rednecks and white trash. (So what? They’re taking one for the team, besides, there are plenty)

We have outposts on the mountains surrounding the playa. We can take down targets 2km away in the dark.

wubwubwub bwaaaaaaaaahhhh — POP — baawwwwubwub — POP — wubwubwubwuuuuuuuuuuuuuuubbbbbbb.

1 10 2011
Stagger

The hunting was better last year !!!

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