Hunting Man!

21 09 2011

BLM to permit hunting of Burners to thin an overpopulated herd.

Said one eager hunter, “Be vewy vewy quiet. Weah hunting shuhtcwockuhs! Huuuuhuuu huuuuuhuuuuuuuh.”

Photo by Nightshade at TheBlight.net

GERLACH, NV—In a move applauded by the NRA, the BLM has issued permits to allow limited hunting and bagging of humans in the Black Rock Desert. “Given this year’s sell out, massive scalping and a population well over 50,000, we agreed that this was the best way to start limiting future attendance,” the BORG announced in a press release.

“Yeeeeeeehaaaawwwww,” stated an NRA spokesperson. “Shit is on!”

Big game hunters are allowed to stalk ‘game’ throughout Black Rock City and the Deep Playa. Burning Man, previously a temporary nature pre- serve of hippies, techies, swingers, druggies, and a few artists, now permits the lethal, but humane, ‘thinning’ of any part of the adult herd. Burners previously had no natural predators other than their own stupidity and Larry Harvey, who is a shape-shifting vampire.

“We’re allowing this for the good of the tribe,” said BLM spokesperson Ted Nugent. “Done correctly, this will eliminate the sick and the weak while scaring off the spectators and the yahoos, leaving behind only the strongest, most hardcore Burners.”

One advocate thought the permits didn’t go far enough. “Kill them all! Shoot every last ‘til they can never walk the face of the earth or light a match! Execute every last single one of them!” said The Man.

Another hunter was practicing a Burning Man call – “Bacon! Get your free bacon!” He said, “We want to get our hunt in this year – we heard next year Hunting Man will be too commercial.” Terms and conditions were amended to include ‘possibility of death, dismemberment, being shot with rifle or bow, stepping in a bear trap and/or hurting of mouth via fish hook.’

While glow-stick fishermen have long roamed the playa, and swingers have long searched and high and low for new meat, this is the first time that killing has been permitted. The BORG, initially resistant to the idea, passed the motion with the approval of their Google overlords. The hunting of DPW workers is banned, but it’s not as if anyone would want to eat their desiccated, alcohol-pickled meat anyway.

Pyramid Lake Native Americans Paiutes are, of course, banned from hunting on their historic tribal lands, but the BORG and BLM have graciously permitted them to sell Indian tacos to the hunters.

The Walt Disney Company was eager to begin filming an animated feature about an orphaned Burner child to be called Bacchus the Alcoholic Orphan Bear. Said one burner in favor of hunting named EZ, “What could be more radically self-reliant than having to run for your very survival?”

Don’t look now, but there’s a red laser dot on your forehead.

For permit applications, information on the point system, and helpful hunting tips, please contact the NRA or visit http://www.HuntingMan.com.

Advertisements




Top 10 Stories of 2010

28 12 2010

In what has been The Shroom’s only most successful year yet, we felt obliged to give you readers a year-end list of those stories which confused captivated you most.

10.   City of Irvine to LIB: We will not be your Gerlach!

Despite a movement to rename Orange County, Pornj County, Irvine Mayor Nick Bishop railed against LIB and its participants warning them not to expect Irvine to roll out the red carpet and be as accommodating as those hicks folks up in Nevada.

 

 

 

9.   World’s Largest Shrew Files World’s Largest Harassment Suit

One uptight woman is all it took to get spankings at the greeter’s station 86’d.

 

 

 

 

 

8.   Incestuous Camp Sex Actually Incest

The Shroom’s report of two siblings who unknowingly knock playa boots hits it hard.

 

 

 

 

7.   Editorial: You NEED Me on That Trash Fence!

Can you handle the truth about the trash fence?

 

 

 

 

6.   Growing Fundamentalist Movement Threatens Burning Man

Not even Black Rock City is immune to fundamentalist ideologies and terrorist activity anymore. This expose informs Burners of the radicals in their midst.

 

 

 

 

5.   Bacon Without Borders Suffers Camp Wide Heart Attack

This was the only surviving member of Bacon Without Borders.

Wait, you mean you can’t eat bacon for every meal? Who knew?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.   Editorial: Mercury Won’t Always Be in Retrograde, but You’ll Always Be Crazy

One burner waxes philosophic about his tryst with a woman who was ruled by neurosis the stars.

 

 

 

 

 

3.   Editorial: I Went to Bed With a Fuck Buddy and Woke Up With a Fucktard

Ms. Hot Tamale vents her frustrations with the pussification of Burning men.

 

 

 

 

2.   Larry Harvey Responds to WikiLeaks

Larry Harvey explains what he thinks of the secret documents uncovered by WikiLeaks to the peons people of Black Rock City.

 

 

 

 

1.   WikiLeaks Releases BORG Documents

The Burning Man Organization is caught with their pants down. And no, they were nowhere near Jiffy Lube.





Bacon Without Borders Suffers Campwide Heart Attack

14 09 2010

9:30 & B, BRC – In a shocking, tragic, utterly foreseeable, yet ultimately unpreventable event, the entire Bacon Without Borders camp suffered massive cardiac arrest. REMSA emergency services personnel blamed the fatalities on the massive build-up of cholesterol and plaque in their overworked, but delighted hearts.

Though quick to arrive on the scene with defibrillators doctors were unable to revive a single soul. However, hours later they were still excitedly giving mouth-to-mouth to the porcine-loving campers, many of whom still had half-eaten, delicious bacon in their lifeless, greasy mouths.

“MMMMMmmmmmmmm, bacon!” stated Rangers on the scene. Bacon Without Borders provided hungry Burners delicious crispety bacon daily from Bacon O’Clock to O’Bacon Thirty in a distribution system commonly known as “one slice of crispy delicious fried cured pig for you, one slice of crispy delicious fried cured pig for me.”

The boyfriend of one of the campers–who identified himself as Michelangelo–was seen kneeling and shaking his fist at the sky. Witnesses believe he yelled, “Why would a kind and loving God do this? Why would He create something so amazingly wonderful that is so terribly bad for you? ”

Burners of all ages, races, creeds, colors and nutritional orientations were turning the camps “Sin baconem haud valens vita” statue into a makeshift memorial.

The BWB camp was widely known to drink bacon-infused bourbon, eat bacon-infused chocolate and fuck with bacon-infused lube. Unsurprisingly, this led to the rapid-development of porcine-plaque in the bloodstream and later to a campwide myocardial infarction.

This was the only surviving member of Bacon Without Borders.

When asked if the county would be performing autopsies to determine cause of death, the Washoe County Coroner nearly peed himself laughing. “I guarantee you it’s not lupus,” replied Dr. House.

A BMIR report stated that a Thunderdome procurement agent was busy bartering for the release of the delicious Bacon Without Borders campers’ bacon-filled corpses to the Death Guild commissary.








%d bloggers like this: