Burning Man Expands Lottery

8 02 2012

by Shirley Jackson

The events of the past year, from the now infamous online ticketing system crash of 2011, to the Great Sell Out only months later, have precipitated wholesale changes to the way Burners acquire tickets to Burning Man. Gone are the days when people could comfortably drag their feet in procrastination until early August, hoping to score a tier one ticket. Also extinct is the never-ending vacillation between joining friends in the dust or ‘taking a year off’’ to do something else because one could purchase a ticket up until the last minute without fear.

Alas, the BORG’s lottery solution to ticketing has been an unmitigated success story. In fact, it’s been so well received by Burners the world over that it’s being expanded to include other areas of this year’s Burn. The lottery will be used for many attractions and services within the city including porta-potties, ice vending, the Center Camp Café, and entering the Temple as well as the city itself.

“If there’s one thing we learned from this process, it’s that randomly selecting winners is the most efficient method of operation possible in situations like these,” said Burning Man founder (and shape-shifting vampire) Larry Harvey.  “As with ticket sales, rewarding people with the opportunity to buy ice or leave letters in the temple in the order they showed up just didn’t seem fair in our eyes, so we’re eliminating the first come, first served (FCFS) system…for everything.”

Marian Goodell, the BORG’s Director of Bidness and Communication, has informed seven people about the new voucher system for getting through the gate. It’s up to all participants to find one of those seven people and ask them how it works. According to Space Man, who heard it from Disco Underpants, who heard it from some guy he met on the Magic Carpet art car, who knows because his playa girlfriend from last year, who is in Ashram Galactica, hooked up with someone who thinks they remember having an IM chat with Goodell about it, explains that 25,000 vouchers will be awarded through a lottery system. Each vehicle can purchase two at an additional cost of $49.95 each. Any vehicle without a voucher will be denied entry into the city whether or not they have tickets.

“Parties with surplus vouchers may use the STEP (Stop Taking Everything Personally) system to circulate them back to Burners in need of one to have their vehicle enter the city,” said Goodell. “We feel it will work just fine because when you’ve got a scarce commodity, hoarding and price gouging are the last things on anyone’s mind.”

“There are people who are obviously going to game the system and increase their chances to buy ice or take a dump while there’s still toilet paper available,” said Will Chase. “But we are going to also expand the STEP system to cover the additional lottery services. People can resell their leftover ice to lottery losers through Center Camp,” he explains. “In the end, we’re confident that everyone will get the ice they need.”

Stacey Pinkus, who relies on ice runs for her camp’s daily happy hour bar, The Eager Beaver, said the effects of the new changes on her camp are negligible. “I see this as a non-issue. Only two people in my camp of thirty got tickets this year, so we aren’t doing the bar anyway.”

Shirley Jackson is an expert lotterologist who has written extensively on the subject. The Shroom retains the right to have Ms. Jackson continue the expose on BRC’s Lottery Fiasco. 

Horoscopes: Burning Man 2011

28 09 2011


Shirtcocker: Once again you’re unlikely to find that special someone on the Playa. You might really want to rethink the wardrobe one of these years. Still, you won’t lack for attention. However, it will come from the business end of a pants cannon.

Top: Your pushy ways will ensure your presence on all the coolest art cars, at the most fabulous parties, and more than a few sexual trysts. It will also possibly lead to being thrown off of said art cars, out of said parties, and being slapped with an assault charge.

Bottom: We would liken your Burning Man experience this year to that of a football player. You may have started out as a tight end, but now you’re a wide receiver. Just go with it.

Unicorn: Your week will be a frolic-filled funfest. You’ll skate through without having to do any real work in camp and your charm will make it so no one will even notice what a twit you were until they’re off the Playa.

Darktard: If you play your cards right the Playa is going to be very welcoming to you this year. You may even find that someone with a warm body might be interested in seeing what you have underneath that unlit exterior. However, you usually don’t play your cards right. Try not to get run over again, okay?

Rainbow: As expected, you bring teh ghey. Everyone is thrilled to see your fabulousness. A natural peacocker, you’re going to set the BRC fashionistas on their ears.

Shroom: Yes, we get it. You’re smart. Now shut the fuck up. Try to be a little less brains and a little more cock and balls. It’s practically a naked orgy out here all week for fuck’s sake.

Clown: Refrain from staring at scantily clad people. You’re creeping them out. Your attempts at self-deprecation come across as a sleazy ploy to lure nubile bodies back into your tent. Wearing big, floppy shoes and asking people if they know what big feet mean isn’t going to work.

Ninja: Follow your instincts to dazzle people with your formidable talents. Not only will they be impressed and want to get to know you, but you’ll actually believe you’re cool enough to hold a camp’s attention. Don’t stay in one place too long and they won’t see through you.

Faerie: You’re really in your element this week. Providing what people need is your gig. Wear it proudly. They’ll thank you for it. Don’t worry that they’re going to laugh at you when your back is turned.

Pirate: Avoid law enforcement, powerful stimulants, and anyone with a name that begins with ‘J’. Do indulge in fucking with virgins, sparkle ponies, hallucinogens and art cars that look like tall ships.

Sparkle Pony:  What can we say; you’re likely to have more sex than anyone else in town. Just don’t expect any cuddling or Playa dates, and by no means will you get a phone number or email address. Be satisfied with a reach around.

Rangers Rescue Chilean Minors Trapped in K-Hole

27 09 2011

The Black Rock Rangers were called to into the suburbs to rescue a contingent of 33 Chilean minors trapped in a K-Hole. They blamed their predicament on a mix up at breakfast. “Nosotros creíamos que comieron el cereal Special K,” said their camp leader, Augusto.

High-maintenance Boyfriend Broken Down Until Further Notice

26 09 2011

(3:00 & Coming Out) – Putting their failing relationship on display, Mads told campmates that his boyfriend Bruce would not be participating until further notice. “He’s in the RV just lying on the bed, complaining about the thread count on the sheets,” Mads said. “I even played I Will Survive for him, but he didn’t shake so much as a hip.”

Bruce’s complaints included the heat, the dust, ruining his Prada shoes, the lack of take-out, the dust, the heat, no Equinox, and way too many disgusting vaginas. “I haven’t seen him this unhappy since Elton John played Rush Limbaugh’s wedding.” Sighed Mads, “This is what I get for dating a guy from Chelsea.”

Israeli Burners Building Permanent Theme Camps in Deep Playa

22 09 2011

Israeli Burners have begun to build permanent theme camps in the deep Playa to ensure their continued presence at the annual event. When asked what prompted the move, Burners With Borders camp spokesman, Waxy Kibbutz, pointed out that the emergence of scalpers selling to rich putzes served as a call to action. “This desert belongs to us, not those schmendriks who purchased scalped tickets,” wailed Kibbutz.

“We won’t give up these lands just because some meshuginas suddenly think it’s theirs,” said Manny Schewitz of Camp Carnegie Deli.

Hunting Man!

21 09 2011

BLM to permit hunting of Burners to thin an overpopulated herd.

Said one eager hunter, “Be vewy vewy quiet. Weah hunting shuhtcwockuhs! Huuuuhuuu huuuuuhuuuuuuuh.”

Photo by Nightshade at TheBlight.net

GERLACH, NV—In a move applauded by the NRA, the BLM has issued permits to allow limited hunting and bagging of humans in the Black Rock Desert. “Given this year’s sell out, massive scalping and a population well over 50,000, we agreed that this was the best way to start limiting future attendance,” the BORG announced in a press release.

“Yeeeeeeehaaaawwwww,” stated an NRA spokesperson. “Shit is on!”

Big game hunters are allowed to stalk ‘game’ throughout Black Rock City and the Deep Playa. Burning Man, previously a temporary nature pre- serve of hippies, techies, swingers, druggies, and a few artists, now permits the lethal, but humane, ‘thinning’ of any part of the adult herd. Burners previously had no natural predators other than their own stupidity and Larry Harvey, who is a shape-shifting vampire.

“We’re allowing this for the good of the tribe,” said BLM spokesperson Ted Nugent. “Done correctly, this will eliminate the sick and the weak while scaring off the spectators and the yahoos, leaving behind only the strongest, most hardcore Burners.”

One advocate thought the permits didn’t go far enough. “Kill them all! Shoot every last ‘til they can never walk the face of the earth or light a match! Execute every last single one of them!” said The Man.

Another hunter was practicing a Burning Man call – “Bacon! Get your free bacon!” He said, “We want to get our hunt in this year – we heard next year Hunting Man will be too commercial.” Terms and conditions were amended to include ‘possibility of death, dismemberment, being shot with rifle or bow, stepping in a bear trap and/or hurting of mouth via fish hook.’

While glow-stick fishermen have long roamed the playa, and swingers have long searched and high and low for new meat, this is the first time that killing has been permitted. The BORG, initially resistant to the idea, passed the motion with the approval of their Google overlords. The hunting of DPW workers is banned, but it’s not as if anyone would want to eat their desiccated, alcohol-pickled meat anyway.

Pyramid Lake Native Americans Paiutes are, of course, banned from hunting on their historic tribal lands, but the BORG and BLM have graciously permitted them to sell Indian tacos to the hunters.

The Walt Disney Company was eager to begin filming an animated feature about an orphaned Burner child to be called Bacchus the Alcoholic Orphan Bear. Said one burner in favor of hunting named EZ, “What could be more radically self-reliant than having to run for your very survival?”

Don’t look now, but there’s a red laser dot on your forehead.

For permit applications, information on the point system, and helpful hunting tips, please contact the NRA or visit http://www.HuntingMan.com.

Music Review: New Genre Called CuntStep Mixes Country & Dubstep

20 09 2011

“My wife took my pickup and left me wubbwubbwubb, my dog ran awobblewobblewobble, and thwapthwapthwap, and my whiskey is all gogogogogogowoooooooommmmmmmworkwooomBOOOOOOOMwhapwhapwhapwhapwhapworkingingingigningwubwubwubwubwubbbbbb,” is understandably the hottest new sound to which self-important DJs are masturbating to these days on the Playa.

If you’re on the dustfloor and you hear the heartache of country music mixed with the earache of the wobble, you’ve been cuntstepped. Led by DJ Garth Skrillex, Bo & Luke Doucheous and a rejuvenated Billy Ray Cyrus, its trademark wobble and dark matter are strained through the South and served up with grit.

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