Burning Man Zodiac – Horoscopes…2014

10 11 2014




Shirt Cocker: Despite another year of ostracism in the dust, your hope and individuality is unflinching. And while most of the people in BRC are either embarrassed for you or reviled by you, this may be the year that some cute little virgin Darktard clam-dipper saunters into your camp and gets you to shed that chemise.

Top: Oh, look, another Burning Man you’re ready to take charge of. How original. How about sitting back and letting things come to you for a change? With Mercury out of retrograde and Astroglide in Uranus perhaps it’s time to switch things up.

Bottom: The power of Dre compels you to take a different tack and bridle and put them on someone else for a change. We won’t spoil the surprise, but you’re about to have quite the romp in the dust this year. Make sure you take only mental images. Trust us.

Unicorn: It’s unlikely you could do anything which measures up to your escapades last year as unicorn energy was exalted, but we know you’ll try. Your excruciating panache is matched only by the gag reflex others experience in your wake. Haters gonna hate.

Darktard: This is YOUR year! And if you’re a virgin this year, this is YOUR zodiac sign! Not what you were hoping for, huh? You’ll grow into it, don’t worry. In the meantime, try not to let that obnoxious rebellious streak get out of hand, okay? And keep on the lookout for that special shirtcocker out there. The good news never ends for you, does it?

Rainbow: Okay, we need to talk. You can avoid some of your classic missteps, like using grey water to make the red beans and rice on your kitchen shift, simply by paying a bit more attention to the task at hand instead of worrying about your costuming every moment of the day. And while we’re on the subject, honesty is usually the best policy. You should have thrown out the red beans and rice instead of serving it hoping no one would notice.

Shroom: If ever there was a person on whom good advice is wasted, it’s you. You don’t listen for shit. On the other hand, you’ll end up doing exactly what you feel like doing and have a great time anyway.

Clown: Going for the through-the-crotch move your first time spinning fire results in others laughing AT you, not with you. To wit: don’t try so hard. And if you can manage, tone down your creepy stare to a mildly uncomfortable gaze this year. The world is a tense place these days, so you’re needed now more than ever.

Ninja: You’re once again primed and ready for a record year getting onto art cars. You can be a kinder, gentler ninja by assisting the less fortunate (read: unattractive) and letting them tag along with you. Also, we feel really guilty about lying to the clowns that they’re needed this year. Please don’t say anything, okay?

Faerie: Are you really going to be that happy all week? Ugh.

Pirate: Your ambivalent outlook papers over your myriad shortcomings. Try not to second guess yourself so much. And in the spirit of the playa (whatever that fucking means) it’s time to extend an olive branch, thaw that icy spot in your heart, maybe even come up with a less trite way to express the same sentiment.

Sparkle Pony: We’ve been thinking long and hard about what to say to you. But instead we’ll just give you your horoscope. THINK MOTHERFUCKER. That should help here as well as back in the default world. And FYI, some with hatchets may be ready to bury them. Just be careful, it’s easy to drop a pin on where in Google maps in case they decide they want to pick it back up.

Horoscopes: Burning Man 2011

28 09 2011


Shirtcocker: Once again you’re unlikely to find that special someone on the Playa. You might really want to rethink the wardrobe one of these years. Still, you won’t lack for attention. However, it will come from the business end of a pants cannon.

Top: Your pushy ways will ensure your presence on all the coolest art cars, at the most fabulous parties, and more than a few sexual trysts. It will also possibly lead to being thrown off of said art cars, out of said parties, and being slapped with an assault charge.

Bottom: We would liken your Burning Man experience this year to that of a football player. You may have started out as a tight end, but now you’re a wide receiver. Just go with it.

Unicorn: Your week will be a frolic-filled funfest. You’ll skate through without having to do any real work in camp and your charm will make it so no one will even notice what a twit you were until they’re off the Playa.

Darktard: If you play your cards right the Playa is going to be very welcoming to you this year. You may even find that someone with a warm body might be interested in seeing what you have underneath that unlit exterior. However, you usually don’t play your cards right. Try not to get run over again, okay?

Rainbow: As expected, you bring teh ghey. Everyone is thrilled to see your fabulousness. A natural peacocker, you’re going to set the BRC fashionistas on their ears.

Shroom: Yes, we get it. You’re smart. Now shut the fuck up. Try to be a little less brains and a little more cock and balls. It’s practically a naked orgy out here all week for fuck’s sake.

Clown: Refrain from staring at scantily clad people. You’re creeping them out. Your attempts at self-deprecation come across as a sleazy ploy to lure nubile bodies back into your tent. Wearing big, floppy shoes and asking people if they know what big feet mean isn’t going to work.

Ninja: Follow your instincts to dazzle people with your formidable talents. Not only will they be impressed and want to get to know you, but you’ll actually believe you’re cool enough to hold a camp’s attention. Don’t stay in one place too long and they won’t see through you.

Faerie: You’re really in your element this week. Providing what people need is your gig. Wear it proudly. They’ll thank you for it. Don’t worry that they’re going to laugh at you when your back is turned.

Pirate: Avoid law enforcement, powerful stimulants, and anyone with a name that begins with ‘J’. Do indulge in fucking with virgins, sparkle ponies, hallucinogens and art cars that look like tall ships.

Sparkle Pony:  What can we say; you’re likely to have more sex than anyone else in town. Just don’t expect any cuddling or Playa dates, and by no means will you get a phone number or email address. Be satisfied with a reach around.

Burning Man zodiac tee shirts!!!

10 08 2011

Nobody Likes a Sparkle Pony

Here it is, the very first Burning Man zodiac tee shirt!  One of our adoring fans has taken her dislike of sparkle ponies, and love of The Shroom, to new levels!  She’s created this shirt for sale in time for Burning Man. All proceeds will go to help fund The Shroom’s printing needs so we can keep the citizens of BRC informed of important information, like Larry Harvey being a shape-shifting vampire. Not to mention making sure the zodiac reaches the masses.  You can purchase the shirt here.  We hear the rest of the signs are in the works!

What’s your Burning Man sign? The final two revealed: Pirate and Sparkle Pony

5 08 2011

Here are the final two Burning Man zodiac signs, the Pirate and the Sparkle Pony!  Be excellent to each other!

Just in case you missed it, Burning Man astrology works like the Chinese version.  The year of your virgin burn is your ‘birth’ year and determines your sign.

What’s your Burning Man sign? The home stretch: Ninja and Faerie

4 08 2011

Here we go Shroomers!  We’d like to welcome our Ninja and Faerie brothers and sisters into the fold!  Only one more pair to go. Tune in tomorrow to find out who the final two cylons signs are!

What’s your Burning Man sign? Part 2: Bottom and Unicorn

1 08 2011

In case you missed it, yesterday The Shroom released the first two signs of the Burning Man zodiac–Shirtcocker and Top (BTW-it’s the year of the Top once again).  Once again, the Burning Man zodiac works similarly to the Chinese one. The year of your virgin burn is your ‘birth’ year and determines your sign. You can read the origins in yesterday’s post. Here are the next two signs:

Tomorrow we’ll release the signs for those ‘born’ in 1989/2002 and 1990/2003. 

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