Art Call Recall Issued

The Department of Mutant Vehicles has issued an art car recall to address a variety of problems with Black Rock City’s mutant vehicle population. Black Rock City DMV spokesperson The Muse cited several issues with art cars that have become unfortunate trends with one of Burning Man’s most beloved attractions.

The recall is being issued for:

-Lack of governors on art car sound systems that allow mutant vehicles to play Dubstep.

-Any and all pirate ship art cars for a total lack of originality.

-Any art car with Steampunks on it or a Steampunk related theme.

Mutant Vehicles that are currently subject to the recall may apply for, and receive, their permits to roam the Playa once the appropriate repairs have been completed.  Any art cars that fail to comply with the recall and make the required modifications will be subject to impound.
When pressed as to why the recall covered only issues concerning aesthetics or sound The Muse replied only “Safety Third”.

City of Irvine to LIB: We Will Not Be Your Gerlach!

In an angry and plagiaristic, yet oddly conflicted and self-loathing speech, Irvine Mayor Nick Bishop condemned Lightning in a Bottle and threatened attendees to discourage them from ‘invading’ Irvine.

“Do not give us your dusty masses! Do not ask us to store your art cars! Do not bring us your recycling! Do not overwhelm our Denny’s on your way home!”

“Do not stop at our Costco for Tecaté specially priced at $9.99/case or our CVS which have water and condom specials for card members!”

Rousing the assembled staffers, he yelled, “Do not expect our underprivileged OC school children to sell you coffee & ice! Do not even think of our church groups washing your cars when you are on your way home!”

The self-professed teabagger then went on to bluster, “We will sell you no Indian tacos, unless they are special Jack Daniels-glazed Indian tacos at TGI Friday’s!”

Mayor Bishop has introduce Orange County bill 1070, which would require police to stop anyone suspected of being a Burner or even looked like a Burner. A counter bill was filed by Councilman Pete Gozinya to rename the county during Memorial Day weekend as “Pornj County.”

“Get thee to Tijuana, Lightning in a Bottle!” said Bishop. He added, “But get your Hep A-C vaccines first, trust me!” He ended with a round of “No, you can’t! No, you can’t!” that petered out after 4 attempts.

Bishop was later arrested for soliciting sex from Steampunks in the restroom at the Irvine Whole Foods.

Editorial: Hey, Steampunks! Give Us Back Our Goddamned Feathers.

A letter from Anne Ostrich.

OMG! There’s a beautiful feather on your chapeau! How quaint! How noble! How dashing!

Look. I know you think you look fabulous wearing a piece of us on your head. But how would you feel if I ripped out a clump of your pubic hair and dangled it from my ear?

You wouldn’t like it if we came over to your house and sheared off your mustache as an accent piece would you? What if after skinning you I cleaved your unborn children from the womb with my beak and brought them home with me to have for breakfast? Just because something is organic doesn’t make it a commodity for you biped motherfuckers to covet and exploit.

You know what’s harder to remove from your car than Playa dust? Bird shit. Tons of it.

Do not fuck with us.

You view a feather as an accessory that says, “I’m avant-garde, stylish, sophisticated and clearly on a more enlightened path.” To us, it says, “I like mutilating fowl for vanity’s sake.” The last people who could wear feathers and pull it off were shoved off their land by your great grandparents.

It does not complete your outfit. It makes you look like Robin Hood decided to start fucking Jack the Ripper. Asshats.

Ooooh. You’re all Jules Verne. What panache. Go back to LA. I’m sure you have lines to memorize so you can get off book in preparation for the role that gets you ‘discovered’ in between serving salads, pouring wine and clearing plates…slowly I might add.

The Man has been bird shit free for 20 years now. Don’t make us come out there. We stay out of your way and leave you to your lives. Can’t you do the same for us?