Black Rock City, NV – The WikiLeaks drama has come home to roost in Black Rock City. Among the many documents to be published by the infamous whistle blower site is a trove of tens of pages relating to secrets that have been jealously guarded by the BORG. Many of them not only reveal clandestine plans and motivations of the BORG, but also how the BORG really feels about some of the more prominent camps that make their home on the Playa. The documents were spirited out of BORG headquarters by a DMV Hottie known as Flounder, using only a dubstep CD and a naked lady flash drive. It would seem a use for dubsteb has finally been found.
Among the revelations:
The café in center camp is a fully functioning creature of Starbucks. Starbucks not only siphons off profits from Burners who patronize the café, but they do so using volunteer labor of attendees who are unaware that they’re in fact unpaid Starbucks baristas.
Another leaked cable will show how the BORG offered free Burning Man tickets to the organizers of the Lollapalooza and Coachella festivals if they’d each agree to take the Dubstep DJs and Steampunk population over to their events.
Documents will illustrate BORG officials conspiring with NASA to keep Mercury permanently in Retrograde.
They will also expose Larry Harvey’s plan to use the Burning Man phenomenon to launch the world’s newest organized religion in much the same way that L. Ron Hubbard did.
We will also learn that 2009’s rumor about Daft Punk performing on the 3 o’clock side of town was perpetrated by First Camp. The purpose was to draw thousands of Burners to that side of town so that the REAL Daft Punk could play a show on the opposite side of town where only “the cool kids” would be in attendance.
Perhaps most embarrassing were the internal memos in which high ranking BORG members expressed their honest opinions about several of the more prominent camps and events at Burning Man.
One BORG member called Death Guild “feckless, vain and unoriginal…for a tribe of cannibals”. Another took a dim view of the Root Society saying their music was “trash”. Still others complained that Opulent Temple had jumped the shark and needed to have new placement somewhere less embarrassing than the Esplanade.
But the biggest bombshell was an internal memo from Larry to key BORG personnel that not only outlines his master plan to increase commercialness, but it reveals that Burning Man will officially become “Too Commercial” in 2012.