Horoscopes: Burning Man 2011

28 09 2011

 

Shirtcocker: Once again you’re unlikely to find that special someone on the Playa. You might really want to rethink the wardrobe one of these years. Still, you won’t lack for attention. However, it will come from the business end of a pants cannon.

Top: Your pushy ways will ensure your presence on all the coolest art cars, at the most fabulous parties, and more than a few sexual trysts. It will also possibly lead to being thrown off of said art cars, out of said parties, and being slapped with an assault charge.

Bottom: We would liken your Burning Man experience this year to that of a football player. You may have started out as a tight end, but now you’re a wide receiver. Just go with it.

Unicorn: Your week will be a frolic-filled funfest. You’ll skate through without having to do any real work in camp and your charm will make it so no one will even notice what a twit you were until they’re off the Playa.

Darktard: If you play your cards right the Playa is going to be very welcoming to you this year. You may even find that someone with a warm body might be interested in seeing what you have underneath that unlit exterior. However, you usually don’t play your cards right. Try not to get run over again, okay?

Rainbow: As expected, you bring teh ghey. Everyone is thrilled to see your fabulousness. A natural peacocker, you’re going to set the BRC fashionistas on their ears.

Shroom: Yes, we get it. You’re smart. Now shut the fuck up. Try to be a little less brains and a little more cock and balls. It’s practically a naked orgy out here all week for fuck’s sake.

Clown: Refrain from staring at scantily clad people. You’re creeping them out. Your attempts at self-deprecation come across as a sleazy ploy to lure nubile bodies back into your tent. Wearing big, floppy shoes and asking people if they know what big feet mean isn’t going to work.

Ninja: Follow your instincts to dazzle people with your formidable talents. Not only will they be impressed and want to get to know you, but you’ll actually believe you’re cool enough to hold a camp’s attention. Don’t stay in one place too long and they won’t see through you.

Faerie: You’re really in your element this week. Providing what people need is your gig. Wear it proudly. They’ll thank you for it. Don’t worry that they’re going to laugh at you when your back is turned.

Pirate: Avoid law enforcement, powerful stimulants, and anyone with a name that begins with ‘J’. Do indulge in fucking with virgins, sparkle ponies, hallucinogens and art cars that look like tall ships.

Sparkle Pony:  What can we say; you’re likely to have more sex than anyone else in town. Just don’t expect any cuddling or Playa dates, and by no means will you get a phone number or email address. Be satisfied with a reach around.

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What’s your Burning Man sign? This is the Year of the Top!

31 07 2011

Astrology is a subject that catches the attention of most of us. We’re all self-absorbed and egotistical enough to want ever more information about ourselves. Burning Man astrology helps stoke the bonfires of vanity by giving us a system closely related to Chinese astrology.

Long ago, during a strange pilgrimage into the Black Rock Desert known as Zone Trip #4, the ancient tribes from whom we descended lost esoteric information that helps explain the true nature of Burners. Recently, an intrepid explorer unearthed scrolls in the mountains of Pyramidzistan located deep in the Black Rock Desert where the lawless bands of Burndamentalists live. He died bringing us this treasure so that we might share it with you.

These scrolls contain the sacred astrology of Burning Man. Yes, it’s true. Far superior, and more accurate, than what the Chinese developed, or that crap Linda Goodman continually foists upon us, is a system that illuminates the true nature of all Burners.

This information is really heavy, you dig? So to make sure we don’t overload and cook all your grey matter we’re going to give it to you in little bits. If you don’t find your sign here today fret not, we’ll be unveiling a couple each day this week. To determine your sign use the year of your virgin burn to determine your ‘birth’ year into the Burning realm.

We’ll be unveiling TWO signs each day. Today are for virgin burn years 1986/1998/2010 and 1987/1999.

Tomorrow will be 1988/2000 and 1989/2001. Tuesday will be 1990/2002 and 1991/2003, and so on.





Top 10 Stories of 2010

28 12 2010

In what has been The Shroom’s only most successful year yet, we felt obliged to give you readers a year-end list of those stories which confused captivated you most.

10.   City of Irvine to LIB: We will not be your Gerlach!

Despite a movement to rename Orange County, Pornj County, Irvine Mayor Nick Bishop railed against LIB and its participants warning them not to expect Irvine to roll out the red carpet and be as accommodating as those hicks folks up in Nevada.

 

 

 

9.   World’s Largest Shrew Files World’s Largest Harassment Suit

One uptight woman is all it took to get spankings at the greeter’s station 86’d.

 

 

 

 

 

8.   Incestuous Camp Sex Actually Incest

The Shroom’s report of two siblings who unknowingly knock playa boots hits it hard.

 

 

 

 

7.   Editorial: You NEED Me on That Trash Fence!

Can you handle the truth about the trash fence?

 

 

 

 

6.   Growing Fundamentalist Movement Threatens Burning Man

Not even Black Rock City is immune to fundamentalist ideologies and terrorist activity anymore. This expose informs Burners of the radicals in their midst.

 

 

 

 

5.   Bacon Without Borders Suffers Camp Wide Heart Attack

This was the only surviving member of Bacon Without Borders.

Wait, you mean you can’t eat bacon for every meal? Who knew?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.   Editorial: Mercury Won’t Always Be in Retrograde, but You’ll Always Be Crazy

One burner waxes philosophic about his tryst with a woman who was ruled by neurosis the stars.

 

 

 

 

 

3.   Editorial: I Went to Bed With a Fuck Buddy and Woke Up With a Fucktard

Ms. Hot Tamale vents her frustrations with the pussification of Burning men.

 

 

 

 

2.   Larry Harvey Responds to WikiLeaks

Larry Harvey explains what he thinks of the secret documents uncovered by WikiLeaks to the peons people of Black Rock City.

 

 

 

 

1.   WikiLeaks Releases BORG Documents

The Burning Man Organization is caught with their pants down. And no, they were nowhere near Jiffy Lube.





Editorial: Mercury Won’t Always Be in Retrograde, But You’ll Always Be Crazy.

12 10 2010

I wanted to say thank you to a special woman out there. You know who you are. I wanted to let you know how wonderful the two days we spent getting to know each other were. You’re a lovely, funny, creative, nurturing, intelligent woman. Unfortunately, you’re also completely batshit crazy.

It was all very cute at first. My being an Aries and you being a Leo make a great 5-9 sun sign combination; our moons are both exalted; our ascendants are harmonious, blah blah blah. I figured it was harmless; perhaps even fun. I finally saw what was coming when you suggested we not go to the Temple of Flux together while Mercury is in retrograde, which, I found out, is for the duration of Burning Man. That’s when I decided that I’d have to pull the ripcord.

I don’t know if waiting until the Moon is conjunct with Uranus to spend the night together in my tent in order to help ensure a long lasting union, or if having Sagittarius trine to your 12th house before discussing whether we’d like to continue to see each other in the default world are solid life strategies. Under most circumstances I’d say, “whatever works for you”, but it’s painfully clear these things aren’t working for you.

Perhaps I should have recognized your constant referrals to us as ‘soul mates’ after our first night of sex for the red flag it obviously was. But even though Mercury was in Retrograde, I will take the blame for missing that one. The 2C-B was just that good.

Look, you can’t blame your every little neurotic tic on the alignment of the planets. If you took the time to examine your life I’d bet you’re sure to find a wake of devastation and insanity behind you. No, it’s not due to a poorly placed Saturn in your birth chart or the temporary location of our smallest planet. It’s due to your being batshit crazy and refusing to apply reason or accountability to your life.








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