Advice Column – Ask a Honey Badger

14 09 2011

By a Honey Badger – The Most Fearless Creature in the Animal Kingdom.

Dear Honey Badger,

Lately I can’t help but hear the rumors that Larry Harvey, the founder of Burning Man, is a shape-shifting vampire. Are the rumors true? Am I in any mortal danger?



Dear FH:

 Awwww, look. Honey Badger knows Larry Harvey is an immortal vampire for sure. He even took a big bite out of us once, sucking our blood with his fangs. But Honey Badger don’t give a shit! Honey Badger just took a disco nap, got back up and took a big bite out of Larry’s cobra (THAT IS SO DISGUSTING! EW! LOOK AT THAT! HONEY BADGER’S EATING OLD MAN BALLS! SICK! BUT HONEY BADGER DON’T CARE. HONEY BADGER EATS EANYTHING!).

 So, no, you’re not in any mortal danger, but if Larry Harvey does suck your blood, you may want to get checked for Hep C and geriatric ball fungus. Better yet, don’t give a shit!



Dear Honey Badger,

I’m a first time Burner and a DJ. Should I be worried about playing in a dust storm?

DJ Pauly D.


Dear Douchebag:

 While it’s important to keep your equipment safe – I recommend Ziplock bags, but honestly, HONEY BADGER DON’T CARE IF THERE’S A DUST STORM! DJ HONEY BADGER JUST CRAY-ZAY ANYWAY!



Dear Honey Badger,

My boyfriend wants to perform a sex move he heard about called the Playa Shocker. I’m not sure what it is, but Burning Man’s all about experimentation, right?



Dear PTSD,

 Honey Badger’s an admitted nasty-ass nocturnal beast. And Honey Badger really doesn’t give a shit EXCEPT WHEN SHE DOES COMPLETELY GIVE A SHIT!  Because the Playa Shocker? That’s disgusting and really nasty-ass (Ed – It’s *really* disgusting and I’m gay.) It’s a variation on fingerbanging (ew – ed.) Where the two top fingers go in the deep playa and the pinkie goes in the trash fence. And for Honey Badger, things ONLY EXIT her Trash Fence; never enter!!!



Dear HoneyBadger,

It’s hard to get proper nutrition at Burning Man. Do you have any suggestions?



Dear Magellan,

 Aw, food is easy to find if you know where to look and you just don’t care. I love eating cobras but they’re hard to find. But you can find food anywhere if you just don’t give a fuck. Like RV-black water tanks – they’re full of larva. And if you dig under the Playa, there’s black widows, too (Ed. Ick.) And in most cuddle puddles you can find bedbugs. But you know where Honey Badger really finds the best meals – in the Honey Pots. There’s always something there. (Ewwww – GROSS! THAT’S DISGUSTING!)

 Honey Badger is a board-certified nutritionist and DJ that just don’t give a shit.



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