12 09 2011

Black Rock City, NV – The fallout following the Burning Man ticket sell out for the first time in the event’s 25 year history is now a full blown crisis. Burners, outraged by these developments, abandoned their tents, cuddle puddles, art cars and even a few RVs, to come together in solidarity at the base of the Man.

Multitudes are protesting a corrupt regime they feel is responsible for rampant ticket scalping and the emergence of extravagant tourist packages for the wealthy that wish to avoid self-reliance. Compounding the rage was the announcement from Larry Jong-Il in which he named Larry Il-Sung as his successor, torpedoing any talks of the community taking over the event. The dusty masses surrounded Center Camp and demanded resignations and reforms. The Black Rock Rangers stood close by, but refused to interfere. “We’re curious to see what happens,” said Ranger Sweet Tart. “Besides, we don’t have a health plan.”

One of the rebellion’s fringe agitators, Chicken John, has been running around without a head calling for the election of representatives to form a Congress (because that’s working so fucking well right now) that will decide who may attend. On the second day of protests, the BORG unleashed its cavalry of Robocops riding unicorns to quell the demonstrations. The Brotherhood of the DPW was able to thwart this heavy-handed tactic by using social media to mobilize camps out in the suburbs to join the fracas. When the BORG cut Internet service BMIR stepped up to broadcast protest times and places citywide.

A peace envoy from the BLM offered full amnesty to the protesters in exchange for putting down their glow sticks and swearing allegiance to Larry, but was told to go to Coachella. Angrily, he yelled, “This is madness!”

“THIS. IS. BURNING MAN!” bellowed Lupo, an enraged protester, before kicking him into a cuddle puddle. A phalanx of 300 Shirtcockers then bravely marched to Gerlach to head off a BLM horde of reinforcements en route from Reno.

During the fourth night of the demonstrations, Daft Punk finally showed up to play a set, temporarily becalming all parties by becoming the party. While performing their hit Around the World, Harvey was spirited out of the city and onto his private jet, ‘Burning Man One’, where he fled to StubHubistan with untold billions in embezzled Burning Man funds.

Dr. Dre returned triumphantly on Friday, restoring order to the Playa. Dre, who owns 51% of Burning Man LLC after discovering the ill-run festival while shooting the California Love video in the Black Rock Desert in 1995, was a popular choice with Burners who overwhelmingly favor a benevolent dictatorship. Said Dre: “Sorry I was delayed, I was trying to get this motherfucking label off. I’m so glad, with my pen and my pad, that nobody forgot about Dre.”




One response

13 09 2011
Mr. Green

Good old Dr. Dre always comes through to restore order. Glad this turmoil came to an end.

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