Oil Spill Continues Deep in Astral Plane

3 11 2010

by Wormwood & Burncleen


Spirit World, – The BPorg DeepAstral Horizon Oil Spill in the Astral Plane continued well into its 60th consecutive day, pumping millions of gallons of crude oil into the fragile, magical ecosystem. The spill began when a Deep Plane BPorg drilling station caught fire after methane coursed up through the well onto the platform and then exploded.  The well should have been capped immediately, but it is believed Deep Plane BPorg workers were debating the end of the movie Inception.

The explosion was marked in the corporeal world by a double rainbow all the way across the sky, “What does that mean? It means the likely death of an entire ecosystem,” according to a Greenpeace Ranger. Hundreds of thousands of Astral Plane creatures were threatened by the gelatinous oil spreading across the spirit dimension including unicorns, pegasi, drigers, pornj smoke monsters and other mystical, mythical and magical creatures.

Additionally, the livelihood of many of those who depended on the Astral Plane was believed threatened. Among those whose traditions and life calling could possibly be ended are shamans, spirit healers, mediums, and psychics. A BPorg flack suggested that they could find it just as fulfilling to work on the cleanup. Several attempts to cap the well met with failure. Among alternative means of stopping the crude from pouring into the plane included giant inflatable shrooms, the ritual sacrifice of 1000s of Burning Man virgins, and pumping playa dust into the blowout preventer. Rangers suggested that Burners avoid the Astral Plane by having epiphanies instead of seeking transcendence.

The DeepAstral Horizon disaster is currently the largest oil spill in an alternate dimension in history, having surpassed the Wilt Chamberlain Great Jheri Curl Spill of the Age of Aquairius late last century. As of press time a million jazillion gallons of oil had spilled into the whole nother dimension. Investigations by this newspaper revealed that the contingency plans for any explosions were contained on a floppy disk. After weeks of searching the BPorg for a compatible computer forensic technologists revealed that the emergency plans had been overwritten by a half-completed attempt at a piece of fan fiction for the TV show Xena: Warrior Princess.

Former Astral Plane governor Sarah Palin was placed in charge of the cleanup. “What’s important to know here is what the elite don’t’ get in an impact to business that is important to businesses.” She then added,  “You betcha!”

She then indicated that another attempt to cap the well with nuclear weapons would occur as soon as Mercury was no longer in Retrograde. At press time, all former proponents of Astral Plane drilling were busy whistling and not making eye contact with anyone. The most tragic part is that the event had been predicted by anyone with any goddamned sense ever.

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One response

1 12 2010
kaitlin

makes me want to drink alchoholic beverages

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