Giuliani Cleans Up Metropolis

28 10 2010

Madame Rudy

City-wide Improvements Making Black Rock Nearly Livable.

Metropolis, BRC – The years of ‘Black Rotten City’ look to be behind us as new Founder, Rudy Giuliani, pushes for gentrification and urban renewal. Pressing to create a “Tipping Point of Radical Normality”, immediately visible changes include fixing all broken RV windows, a larger presence of armed Rangers mounted on Unicorns and removing all hookers and loose women from Center Camp.

“It’s time to put away The Hat, and put on The Hard Hat,” said Giuliani. “It is far past time to talk about being more commercial, and to start doing something about being more commercial.”

A map leaked to The Shroom showed future plans include a landfill in the deep Playa, a Starbucks on every corner and the addition of a mixed-use retail/residential/arena development to fill in the ‘hole’ between 10 & 2 o’clock.

DPW workers were busy paving over all existing k-holes with asphalt. Many moves were met with controversy and mixed-emotions. However, an Anti-Shirtcocking Task Force was one move that met with universal approval.

“Radical Self-Reliance is great as a concept, but as a practice that doesn’t mean the city shouldn’t do everything possible to homogenize Burners’ experiences and make the event as safe as humanly possible.” Other items on his agenda include a “Leave No Trace. Or Else.” rebranding campaign.

Unconfirmed reports have the newly minted Rudy the Hard Hat separating from his wife of 30 years, moving into Center Camp’s Gravy Mansion and having hot, mayoral monkey sex with Lady Bee.



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28 10 2010


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