Editorial: I Went to Bed With a Fuck Buddy and Woke Up With a Fucktard.

17 10 2010

by Ms. Hot Tamale

Okay fuck buddy, let’s get this right: we fuck each other as often as is convenient and in return we do each other the courtesy of not having feelings for each other, right?

So, I have to ask: Did your male period suddenly arrive in the middle of the night? Are you cramping, honeybunch? Because you’re acting like a real fucktard.

Last night we moaned and fucked, and this morning for some fucking reason you’re moaning and whining like a little crybaby — right out of my vajajay’s good graces.

Frankly, I don’t want to hear about your idea for an eco-friendly chain of gas stations, how you were adopted and abandoned, or your plans to travel to Haiti and save little orphaned children. It’s whiny and annoying like that wet blanket of a singer from Coldplay. Maybe worse.

Awww, don’t cry.

What I want is a certain horse-like appendage to make me walk a little bowlegged, and a tongue to sweep me into any orgasms that your (very able) cock leaves behind. But not in a sweet, slow softly lit kinda way as we French kiss in the sun-dappled sunrise. Especially not before we’ve brushed our teeth. Ick.

I really don’t want to hear about the drama in your camp. I really don’t want to hear about that epiphany you had. I really don’t want to hear about, well, anything about your life back in whatever shitty town you live in.

To quote The Fugitive: I don’t care. I don’t care about anything you have to say, unless it’s spoken directly into my cunt while I strangle you with my thighs.

I don’t want you to make me eggs benedict in the morning; that’s what I have my gay campmates for. I don’t want you to sing me a song, that’s what I have my hippy campmates for. My priorities with you, if they weren’t for some fucking reason already explicitly clear, are: 1) have you fuck me and 1a) have you leave.

So, fuck buddy, if you have to spend the night, I really don’t want or require any physical contact with you unless it leads to 1) more fucking or 1a) you leaving.

In summary, please don’t tell me about your novel. Don’t tell me about your last girlfriend. Don’t tell me about anything, unless it’s directions on how better to pleasure me, and I promise to do the same.

So, are you a fuck buddy or a fucktard?

Now let me shut you the fuck up by sitting on your face.

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16 responses

17 10 2010
richard

i am enjoying imagining whether this type of editorial from a male perspective would have ever been appropriate

18 10 2010
oh kay

wellllll I believe many males have thought this if not “said it” first! a bit cynical and they definitely were not on shrooms – coz those would have made the writer quite a bit more loving…doncha think?

18 10 2010
Danger Bunnie

Love it!

18 10 2010
richard

isn’t this enabling abuse?

if you girls have no problem with it, why shouldn’t i start writing an article about how i made a lover cry after insulting the way i perceived her sexuality, before of course, i rutted on her like a dog

hell

why write about it.

28 12 2010
Top 10 Stories of 2010 « The Shroom

[…] 3.   Editorial: I Went to Bed With a Fuck Buddy and Woke Up With a Fucktard […]

28 12 2010
Mark Atwood

And of course, if you ever hear a man saying anything like this, you would be outraged, offended, call him a misogynist, and bitch with all your girlfriends about him over coffee.

28 12 2010
Anonymous

It discusts me still.

28 12 2010
Anonymous

Sounds like a whore to me!

28 12 2010
jordan

Not necessarily Mark Atwood. As long as the needs of the relationship were clearly distinguished I don’t see that being a problem.

9 01 2011
Anonymous

one party always thinks, they were clearly distinguished.

28 12 2010
Bear

objectification is unethical from either direction, but that concept does nothing to quell my raging hard-on haha. maybe we should meet up Ms. Tamale (only joking of course)…
but seriously, i hooked up with a lady possessing a spirit kindred to your own… I realized that although I didn’t need to whine/express/or get emotional with this temporary lover, a bit of mutual concern for each other was sorely missed. sex without some semblance of intimacy I simply find to be cold and disconnected from the loving spirit of Burning Man.
I firmly believe that sorrow lingers underneath tenderlessness… ❤

28 12 2010
Shady

Not gonna lie my dicks pretty hard after reading that.

9 01 2011
justahotbag

I wonder if Ms. Tamale communicated her feelings as effectively as guys communicate. The way men so often tell women it’s not going anywhere, before they sleep together… The one thing, I’m not wondering about. Is the likelihood, that she is putting too much blame on him. She communicates well in written form, perhaps only when/where she’s interested. It’s an amusing, if not sexy rant. However, I’d bet she was clearer to us readers, than in her manversation, that she thought she had with him. Send him a link and I’m sure he’ll nail you right to the wall over it. I would.

27 07 2011
Paul

jackie treehorn treats objects like women, man.

7 12 2011
Nicholaus Buthmann

Oh Gawd, I love the Creampie Encountrer’s way too much!!

22 02 2015
EOkid

“and a tongue to sweep me into any orgasms that your (very able) cock leaves behind” So you are saying this guy goes down on you after he has been pounding? EEEEEWWWWWWW. He really is a fucktard. The idea of licking playa booty that just got pounded is enough to turn any pussy lovers stomach.

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