Growing Fundamentalist Movement Threatens Burning Man

22 09 2010

Fundamentalist Burners Demand Return to Baker Beach

Fundamentalist Burners in the Lawless Mountains of Pyramidzistan (c) Danger Ranger

Black Rock Hills – A group of fundamentalist Burners has threatened to return Burning Man to its original roots ‘by any means necessary’. They call their struggle the Burndamentalist Movement, and they call each other Burndamentalists.

Among the tenets of the Burndamentalist Movement is the desire to return Burning Man to Baker Beach for a weekend rather than a week in Black Rock City.  “We want to return to our origins and weed out the riff raff, the tourists and the gawkers who come in from all over the world and aren’t really a part of Burning Man or its home, the San Francisco Bay area,” said Sanctimonious Sue.

“And guns. We really want to shoot guns at Burning Man again.”

A week of dietary preparation, called Harveydan, would be implemented and continue throughout the duration of the event.  Nutritional intake would be restricted to bacon and Tecaté.

The group has threatened to use tactics such as suicide stinkbombing of dance parties and center camp, temporarily kidnapping hotties and the sticking of bananas in art car tailpipes.

A Burndamentalist Terrorist Act

Burndamentalists warn that Burning Man has strayed so far from its roots that revelers risk bringing about the end of the festival in what they call The Rupture.  The Rupture will commence when Burning Man becomes too commercial — which they warn may happen any year now, if it hasn’t happened already.

Jim Jones, a Burndamentalist spokesman, said, “It started with Center Camp.  The moment you have a Center Camp that implies everything else is not at the center which runs counter to our belief that we’re all at the center of Burning Man.”

He went on to add that, “The fact that they engage in commerce there is blasphemous to the founding ideals of Burning Man.”  The Burndamentalists point out that the addition of ice sales on the Playa serve to portend doom even further.

Another major difference would be the abolishment of the Temple.  “Burning Man is Bacchanalian, a pagan ritual about running around with your hair on fire and yelling at the top of your lungs and engaging in pure fun” said Jones.  “There’s no room for a Temple that we burn in quiet reflection.  If we wanted to act sad and depressed in a temple, we’d convert to Judaism.”

The Burndamentalists are believed to be hiding in the lawless tribal wildlands of the Black Rock Mountains known as Pyramidzistan.




7 responses

23 09 2010
joão araújo

the 10 Portuguese Commandemants since 2002,
i apreciate

28 12 2010
Top 10 Stories of 2010 « The Shroom

[…] 6.   Growing Fundamentalist Movement Threatens Burning Man […]

28 12 2010

God help me, but I agree with parts of that.

“There’s no room for a Temple that we burn in quiet reflection. If we wanted to go act sad and depressed in a temple, we’d convert to Judaism.”

I’m a little torn between agreeing and not agreeing. I think there’s room for it, I’d just rather it was handled like an Irish wake, not a Catholic funeral. Celebrate the life gone with raucous fond memories and tears…not wallowing. Who wants the ones left behind left wallowing in grief? I want to be remembered with laughter and good stories. Try to celebrate the life!

27 07 2011

I will bitch slap anyone who cries at my funeral. There will be drinking, dancing, and naked bodies hours after my funeral. Hopefully drugs.

31 07 2011
What’s your sign? « The Shroom

[…] in the mountains of Pyramidzistan located deep in the Black Rock Desert where the lawless bands of Burndamentalists live. He died bringing us this treasure so that we might share it with […]

28 09 2013
James Ellis

I wish to be cremated with resulting ashes used as cone 10 ash glaze to be applied to a bong created by Funeral to include trained dogs jumping through flaming hoops while a full gospel black choir sings ‘Ripple’ followed by ‘Wish You Were Here played by multiple bagpipe and banjos. Whoever makes it through the banjo gauntlet may smoke freely from the bong at the VW Bus Camp. Ask for ‘Gary’. He will know what to do. -Rusty VanBondo

28 09 2013
Nest Burner

By all means, Burnamentalists, go back to where it all started, create your own festival, shoot your guns at each other and leave the rest of us have fun in Black Rock City. Are Burnamentalist a new hate group?

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