City of Irvine to LIB: We Will Not Be Your Gerlach!

2 06 2010

In an angry and plagiaristic, yet oddly conflicted and self-loathing speech, Irvine Mayor Nick Bishop condemned Lightning in a Bottle and threatened attendees to discourage them from ‘invading’ Irvine.

“Do not give us your dusty masses! Do not ask us to store your art cars! Do not bring us your recycling! Do not overwhelm our Denny’s on your way home!”

“Do not stop at our Costco for Tecaté specially priced at $9.99/case or our CVS which have water and condom specials for card members!”

Rousing the assembled staffers, he yelled, “Do not expect our underprivileged OC school children to sell you coffee & ice! Do not even think of our church groups washing your cars when you are on your way home!”

The self-professed teabagger then went on to bluster, “We will sell you no Indian tacos, unless they are special Jack Daniels-glazed Indian tacos at TGI Friday’s!”

Mayor Bishop has introduce Orange County bill 1070, which would require police to stop anyone suspected of being a Burner or even looked like a Burner. A counter bill was filed by Councilman Pete Gozinya to rename the county during Memorial Day weekend as “Pornj County.”

“Get thee to Tijuana, Lightning in a Bottle!” said Bishop. He added, “But get your Hep A-C vaccines first, trust me!” He ended with a round of “No, you can’t! No, you can’t!” that petered out after 4 attempts.

Bishop was later arrested for soliciting sex from Steampunks in the restroom at the Irvine Whole Foods.




2 responses

28 12 2010
Top 10 Stories of 2010 « The Shroom

[…] 10.   City of Irvine to LIB: We will not be your Gerlach! […]

14 02 2016

you are a sick fuck leave me alone

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