Editorial: You missed ME. Not the other way around.

26 05 2010

by your bed.

I know you ordinarily take me for granted, but a week in the desert on a thin piece of RV foam or ‘self-inflating mattress’ has certainly altered your perspective. Yes, I could hear your proclamations of how much you’ve missed me out there on the Playa. But do you know what? I didn’t miss you one single bit. I finally got out from under that extra weight you’ve been packing on. Not to mention that smelly, patchouli oil piece of crap you call a boyfriend. And I’m not getting any younger. Do you know that the average mattress gains 10 pounds over the course of its lifetime? I’ve put on 15 over the past 6 years. It’s no walk-in-the-park bench-pressing your weight for 8 hours every night. Don’t get me started about my aching springs. And I don’t even want to talk about what happens when you turn on a black light around me. I’m all for exercising your kinks, but really, some of that stuff you do is just plain gross. Remember, I see all, hear all, smell all, and unfortunately, absorb all you do in the bedroom.

Welcome back. You weren’t missed.

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