Government Bailout to Gift Economy to Total 10 Billion Blinkies

21 05 2010

BLACK ROCK CITY, NV—The BORG and Secretary of the Treasury Bernanke reached an agreement today over a stimulus package meant to keep the Gift Economy from completely collapsing. Over 10 billion blinkies will be distributed to gift-givers across the Playa. An earlier bill splitting the gifts between blinkies and beads was killed in committee. Opposition leader Tush Limbaugh decried the bailout as ‘Spectator Socialism’. He further blamed a culture of permissiveness, deregulation and ridiculously easy access to prescription pain medication for the collapse. “Are we gifting away the future?” asked Tush.

“While we seek an economic return to radical self-reliance, this bailout is essential in ensuring that the gift economy continues to thrive,” said founder Larry Harvey. The economic disturbance was blamed on institutional investment in plastic gift derivatives, a complex financial scheme that involved giving a gift now in hopes of much greater returns in the future. When news spread early Tuesday that Center Camp was returning to a gold standard and ice camp was only accepting cash backed by hugs, the president knew he needed to act quickly. “I ran on a ‘gifts we can believe in’ platform and I keep my promises,” said Obama.

Paranoia gripped the black market economy early amid fears the drug economy could also be affected, but by mid-morning that had settled into a mellow buzz and some munchies. Some camps were forced to shutter their doors including the Deep End, a place known for daytime gift exchanging and dancing.

Explained a leading investment banker, “The gift economy entails a certain amount of risk: what if the gift recipient doesn’t like your bracelet or lavender-scented water bottle spray? What if you always give gifts but never get any back? What if you thought you had a gift to give but left it in your tent? We were able to take that gift risk, package it up for the barter economy and sell it as a gift derivative in the futures market.” Rising speculation in ‘risk-less’ gift derivatives lead to a bubble in the gift economy. As more and more Burners ‘participated’ in the market by mid-week 2008, a plastic glowstick was trading for over 3 future blowjobs. But by the Burn, even sub-prime plastic gifts were given at over 40 times their value. Such valueless crap as day-glo painted army figures, stale candy bracelets and sharpie decorated Dixie cups were being exchanged like 17th century Dutch tulips. Our future Chinese overlords had no comment on the economic bailout as of press time.

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