Sports: Fire 1, Man 0. Fire Victorious for 24th straight year

20 05 2010

BRC – Despite The Man’s best showing to date, Fire continued its torrid run in the ring with workmanlike  destruction over the determined, but ultimately flammable, Burning Man at Black Rock City’s Playa Stadium. The Man, who this year had undergone his most rigid training regimen yet, was a trendy pick to overcome his nemesis for the first time.

In a marked change from past years The Man went the distance against Fire.  His performance came at a price however.  Going toe-to-toe with such a dominating element takes its toll on the body and, while heroic, The Man’s determination produced an ugly spectacle which caused many of an estimated crowd of 44,000—39,000 paid—onlookers to flee. The sight of him being scorched by Fire was simply too brutal for most to watch.

Said DJ Hooni from camp Transmorphagon, “I couldn’t watch anymore.  That was going on forever and it was getting ugly.  Besides, I really wanted to get back to camp because it was my turn on the decks.”  Another camper, V-12 from The Playa Surfers, said the whole affair made her sick to her stomach, but admitted that might have resulted from ingesting too much of an unidentified hallucinogen. Many revelers prayed for a sedate, more humane Temple Burn for Sunday.

Massive pre-hydration, specially treated wood, and a new coach could not end more than two decades of immolation. Said Burning Man’s Coach Les Esmoore, “We only had one play. We call it ‘Stop, Drop & Roll’, but for some reason, The Man once again forgot to follow the final 1/3 of the play. I can only blame myself.”

Those who braved the savage beating then jubilantly stormed the ring after the bout. Officials were unsure whether to call the post-match celebrations a riot or a catharsis. Said a still smoldering Man, “I’m most disappointed for my fans, my friends and my family. I’m especially disappointed for every little wooden boy and girl who grows up without hope, terrified of every little flint stone and tinder.” Las Vegas bookmakers have installed Fire as a heavy favorite over The Man for this year’s Burn.




One response

20 05 2010

In a tearful post-game speech, Larry Harvey Tebow promised, “To the fans and everybody in
Burner Nation, I’m sorry.
I’m extremely sorry.
I promise you one thing, a lot
Of good will come out of this…. See More… See More
You will never see any Burner in
The entire country play as hard
As I will play the rest of the
Season. You will never see
Someone push the rest of the
DPW and Rangers as hard as I will push
Everybody the rest of the season.

You will never see a Burner
burn harder than we will burn
The rest of the season.
God Bless.”

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