Editorial: Hey, Steampunks! Give Us Back Our Goddamned Feathers.

16 05 2010

A letter from Anne Ostrich.

OMG! There’s a beautiful feather on your chapeau! How quaint! How noble! How dashing!

Look. I know you think you look fabulous wearing a piece of us on your head. But how would you feel if I ripped out a clump of your pubic hair and dangled it from my ear?

You wouldn’t like it if we came over to your house and sheared off your mustache as an accent piece would you? What if after skinning you I cleaved your unborn children from the womb with my beak and brought them home with me to have for breakfast? Just because something is organic doesn’t make it a commodity for you biped motherfuckers to covet and exploit.

You know what’s harder to remove from your car than Playa dust? Bird shit. Tons of it.

Do not fuck with us.

You view a feather as an accessory that says, “I’m avant-garde, stylish, sophisticated and clearly on a more enlightened path.” To us, it says, “I like mutilating fowl for vanity’s sake.” The last people who could wear feathers and pull it off were shoved off their land by your great grandparents.

It does not complete your outfit. It makes you look like Robin Hood decided to start fucking Jack the Ripper. Asshats.

Ooooh. You’re all Jules Verne. What panache. Go back to LA. I’m sure you have lines to memorize so you can get off book in preparation for the role that gets you ‘discovered’ in between serving salads, pouring wine and clearing plates…slowly I might add.

The Man has been bird shit free for 20 years now. Don’t make us come out there. We stay out of your way and leave you to your lives. Can’t you do the same for us?




One response

18 05 2010

uh huh! The Fedora Mafia is going to make grilled ostrich out of you yet!

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