Burning Man Expands Lottery

by Shirley Jackson

The events of the past year, from the now infamous online ticketing system crash of 2011, to the Great Sell Out only months later, have precipitated wholesale changes to the way Burners acquire tickets to Burning Man. Gone are the days when people could comfortably drag their feet in procrastination until early August, hoping to score a tier one ticket. Also extinct is the never-ending vacillation between joining friends in the dust or ‘taking a year off’’ to do something else because one could purchase a ticket up until the last minute without fear.

Alas, the BORG’s lottery solution to ticketing has been an unmitigated success story. In fact, it’s been so well received by Burners the world over that it’s being expanded to include other areas of this year’s Burn. The lottery will be used for many attractions and services within the city including porta-potties, ice vending, the Center Camp Café, and entering the Temple as well as the city itself.

“If there’s one thing we learned from this process, it’s that randomly selecting winners is the most efficient method of operation possible in situations like these,” said Burning Man founder (and shape-shifting vampire) Larry Harvey.  “As with ticket sales, rewarding people with the opportunity to buy ice or leave letters in the temple in the order they showed up just didn’t seem fair in our eyes, so we’re eliminating the first come, first served (FCFS) system…for everything.”

Marian Goodell, the BORG’s Director of Bidness and Communication, has informed seven people about the new voucher system for getting through the gate. It’s up to all participants to find one of those seven people and ask them how it works. According to Space Man, who heard it from Disco Underpants, who heard it from some guy he met on the Magic Carpet art car, who knows because his playa girlfriend from last year, who is in Ashram Galactica, hooked up with someone who thinks they remember having an IM chat with Goodell about it, explains that 25,000 vouchers will be awarded through a lottery system. Each vehicle can purchase two at an additional cost of $49.95 each. Any vehicle without a voucher will be denied entry into the city whether or not they have tickets.

“Parties with surplus vouchers may use the STEP (Stop Taking Everything Personally) system to circulate them back to Burners in need of one to have their vehicle enter the city,” said Goodell. “We feel it will work just fine because when you’ve got a scarce commodity, hoarding and price gouging are the last things on anyone’s mind.”

“There are people who are obviously going to game the system and increase their chances to buy ice or take a dump while there’s still toilet paper available,” said Will Chase. “But we are going to also expand the STEP system to cover the additional lottery services. People can resell their leftover ice to lottery losers through Center Camp,” he explains. “In the end, we’re confident that everyone will get the ice they need.”

Stacey Pinkus, who relies on ice runs for her camp’s daily happy hour bar, The Eager Beaver, said the effects of the new changes on her camp are negligible. “I see this as a non-issue. Only two people in my camp of thirty got tickets this year, so we aren’t doing the bar anyway.”

Shirley Jackson is an expert lotterologist who has written extensively on the subject. The Shroom retains the right to have Ms. Jackson continue the expose on BRC’s Lottery Fiasco. 

Israeli Burners Building Permanent Theme Camps in Deep Playa

Israeli Burners have begun to build permanent theme camps in the deep Playa to ensure their continued presence at the annual event. When asked what prompted the move, Burners With Borders camp spokesman, Waxy Kibbutz, pointed out that the emergence of scalpers selling to rich putzes served as a call to action. “This desert belongs to us, not those schmendriks who purchased scalped tickets,” wailed Kibbutz.

“We won’t give up these lands just because some meshuginas suddenly think it’s theirs,” said Manny Schewitz of Camp Carnegie Deli.

Music Review: New Genre Called CuntStep Mixes Country & Dubstep

“My wife took my pickup and left me wubbwubbwubb, my dog ran awobblewobblewobble, and thwapthwapthwap, and my whiskey is all gogogogogogowoooooooommmmmmmworkwooomBOOOOOOOMwhapwhapwhapwhapwhapworkingingingigningwubwubwubwubwubbbbbb,” is understandably the hottest new sound to which self-important DJs are masturbating to these days on the Playa.

If you’re on the dustfloor and you hear the heartache of country music mixed with the earache of the wobble, you’ve been cuntstepped. Led by DJ Garth Skrillex, Bo & Luke Doucheous and a rejuvenated Billy Ray Cyrus, its trademark wobble and dark matter are strained through the South and served up with grit.

Advice Column – Ask a Honey Badger

By a Honey Badger – The Most Fearless Creature in the Animal Kingdom.

Dear Honey Badger,

Lately I can’t help but hear the rumors that Larry Harvey, the founder of Burning Man, is a shape-shifting vampire. Are the rumors true? Am I in any mortal danger?

Signed,
FangHater

 

Dear FH:

 Awwww, look. Honey Badger knows Larry Harvey is an immortal vampire for sure. He even took a big bite out of us once, sucking our blood with his fangs. But Honey Badger don’t give a shit! Honey Badger just took a disco nap, got back up and took a big bite out of Larry’s cobra (THAT IS SO DISGUSTING! EW! LOOK AT THAT! HONEY BADGER’S EATING OLD MAN BALLS! SICK! BUT HONEY BADGER DON’T CARE. HONEY BADGER EATS EANYTHING!).

 So, no, you’re not in any mortal danger, but if Larry Harvey does suck your blood, you may want to get checked for Hep C and geriatric ball fungus. Better yet, don’t give a shit!

 

 

Dear Honey Badger,

I’m a first time Burner and a DJ. Should I be worried about playing in a dust storm?

Signed,
DJ Pauly D.

 

Dear Douchebag:

 While it’s important to keep your equipment safe – I recommend Ziplock bags, but honestly, HONEY BADGER DON’T CARE IF THERE’S A DUST STORM! DJ HONEY BADGER JUST CRAY-ZAY ANYWAY!

 

 

Dear Honey Badger,

My boyfriend wants to perform a sex move he heard about called the Playa Shocker. I’m not sure what it is, but Burning Man’s all about experimentation, right?

Signed,
PlayaTryerShockinglyDeep

 

Dear PTSD,

 Honey Badger’s an admitted nasty-ass nocturnal beast. And Honey Badger really doesn’t give a shit EXCEPT WHEN SHE DOES COMPLETELY GIVE A SHIT!  Because the Playa Shocker? That’s disgusting and really nasty-ass (Ed – It’s *really* disgusting and I’m gay.) It’s a variation on fingerbanging (ew – ed.) Where the two top fingers go in the deep playa and the pinkie goes in the trash fence. And for Honey Badger, things ONLY EXIT her Trash Fence; never enter!!!

 

 

Dear HoneyBadger,

It’s hard to get proper nutrition at Burning Man. Do you have any suggestions?

Signed,
Magellan

 

Dear Magellan,

 Aw, food is easy to find if you know where to look and you just don’t care. I love eating cobras but they’re hard to find. But you can find food anywhere if you just don’t give a fuck. Like RV-black water tanks – they’re full of larva. And if you dig under the Playa, there’s black widows, too (Ed. Ick.) And in most cuddle puddles you can find bedbugs. But you know where Honey Badger really finds the best meals – in the Honey Pots. There’s always something there. (Ewwww – GROSS! THAT’S DISGUSTING!)

 Honey Badger is a board-certified nutritionist and DJ that just don’t give a shit.

 

Uprising!

Black Rock City, NV – The fallout following the Burning Man ticket sell out for the first time in the event’s 25 year history is now a full blown crisis. Burners, outraged by these developments, abandoned their tents, cuddle puddles, art cars and even a few RVs, to come together in solidarity at the base of the Man.

Multitudes are protesting a corrupt regime they feel is responsible for rampant ticket scalping and the emergence of extravagant tourist packages for the wealthy that wish to avoid self-reliance. Compounding the rage was the announcement from Larry Jong-Il in which he named Larry Il-Sung as his successor, torpedoing any talks of the community taking over the event. The dusty masses surrounded Center Camp and demanded resignations and reforms. The Black Rock Rangers stood close by, but refused to interfere. “We’re curious to see what happens,” said Ranger Sweet Tart. “Besides, we don’t have a health plan.”

One of the rebellion’s fringe agitators, Chicken John, has been running around without a head calling for the election of representatives to form a Congress (because that’s working so fucking well right now) that will decide who may attend. On the second day of protests, the BORG unleashed its cavalry of Robocops riding unicorns to quell the demonstrations. The Brotherhood of the DPW was able to thwart this heavy-handed tactic by using social media to mobilize camps out in the suburbs to join the fracas. When the BORG cut Internet service BMIR stepped up to broadcast protest times and places citywide.

A peace envoy from the BLM offered full amnesty to the protesters in exchange for putting down their glow sticks and swearing allegiance to Larry, but was told to go to Coachella. Angrily, he yelled, “This is madness!”

“THIS. IS. BURNING MAN!” bellowed Lupo, an enraged protester, before kicking him into a cuddle puddle. A phalanx of 300 Shirtcockers then bravely marched to Gerlach to head off a BLM horde of reinforcements en route from Reno.

During the fourth night of the demonstrations, Daft Punk finally showed up to play a set, temporarily becalming all parties by becoming the party. While performing their hit Around the World, Harvey was spirited out of the city and onto his private jet, ‘Burning Man One’, where he fled to StubHubistan with untold billions in embezzled Burning Man funds.

Dr. Dre returned triumphantly on Friday, restoring order to the Playa. Dre, who owns 51% of Burning Man LLC after discovering the ill-run festival while shooting the California Love video in the Black Rock Desert in 1995, was a popular choice with Burners who overwhelmingly favor a benevolent dictatorship. Said Dre: “Sorry I was delayed, I was trying to get this motherfucking label off. I’m so glad, with my pen and my pad, that nobody forgot about Dre.”

What’s your Burning Man sign? The final two revealed: Pirate and Sparkle Pony

Here are the final two Burning Man zodiac signs, the Pirate and the Sparkle Pony!  Be excellent to each other!

Just in case you missed it, Burning Man astrology works like the Chinese version.  The year of your virgin burn is your ‘birth’ year and determines your sign.

What’s your Burning Man sign? Section D: Shroom and Clown

Here we go Burners…two more signs divined by the Ancient Burner Elders revealed: The Shroom (near and dear to our heart!) and the Clown!

Editorial: 2011 and Still No Flying Art Cars? WTF?!?

by Thomas Friedman

I’m not alone in my utter shock and disappointment with the almost complete lack of the Jetsonification of society, am I? Where are the moving sidewalks (other than airport terminals) and robot maids? What about teleporters, Mr. Fusion, time travel? Where are the pneumatic people mover tubes? I want my JETPACK! Why don’t we have FLYING CARS!?! Hanna-Barbera fucking LIED to us!

We could all be living with a 9-hour work week and letting machines do almost ALL the labor! Imagine what the default world would look like, not to mention how amazing the Playa would be! Burners arriving in gravity-defying caravans with all their gear in tow and a small workforce of robots to set up domes, tents, kitchens and art installations while we humans could get to the more fulfilling part of the trip by socializing. God damn it to Hell!

Instead of sweating my nuggets off building a ginormous Flying Art Car Wash I could be at Bacon Without Borders’ 31 Flavors Bar sipping on some habañero-infused bourbon and munching on crispety bacon fried up in Bloody Beer mix and dipped in creamy cheddar cheese sauce.  Not only would that be a more fun and delicious way to spend my burn, but with nanobots to scrape the plaque off my arterial walls I wouldn’t have to worry about cholesterol anymore.

And who wouldn’t rather be at Hot Topic Thunderdome watching a guy dressed up as a leprechaun take on someone from Unicorn Camp instead of having to make dinner?  You could be off etching your name into the temple instead of sweating over stoves. That would be a reality if we had portable instant food dispensers, or dinner pills. Let’s face it; the denizens of BRC aren’t likely to be opposed to getting their nutrition from a pill. Seriously.

Think of the amount of dust you’d be spared in your hair and clothes if we had flying art cars and playa bikes and floating camps. Can’t you just see an Ashram Galactica in the sky? That’s dead sexy. Not to mention we’d get around Black Rock City much more quickly than having to roll at 5mph.

We should stand up and demand the Jetsonification of our society so we can cut and paste it onto our beloved city in the desert. Of course if no one else agrees I suppose I could be quasi-content holding hands and singing EEP OPP ORK AH-AH.

WikiLeaks Releases BORG Documents!

Black Rock City, NV – The WikiLeaks drama has come home to roost in Black Rock City. Among the many documents to be published by the infamous whistle blower site is a trove of tens of pages relating to secrets that have been jealously guarded by the BORG.  Many of them not only reveal clandestine plans and motivations of the BORG, but also how the BORG really feels about some of the more prominent camps that make their home on the Playa.  The documents were spirited out of BORG headquarters by a DMV Hottie known as Flounder, using only a dubstep CD and a naked lady flash drive. It would seem a use for dubsteb has finally been found.

Among the revelations:

The café in center camp is a fully functioning creature of Starbucks. Starbucks not only siphons off profits from Burners who patronize the café, but they do so using volunteer labor of attendees who are unaware that they’re in fact unpaid Starbucks baristas.

Another leaked cable will show how the BORG offered free Burning Man tickets to the organizers of the Lollapalooza and Coachella festivals if they’d each agree to take the Dubstep DJs and Steampunk population over to their events.

Documents will illustrate BORG officials conspiring with NASA to keep Mercury permanently in Retrograde.

They will also expose Larry Harvey’s plan to use the Burning Man phenomenon to launch the world’s newest organized religion in much the same way that L. Ron Hubbard did.

We will also learn that 2009’s rumor about Daft Punk performing on the 3 o’clock side of town was perpetrated by First Camp. The purpose was to draw thousands of Burners to that side of town so that the REAL Daft Punk could play a show on the opposite side of town where only “the cool kids” would be in attendance.

Perhaps most embarrassing were the internal memos in which high ranking BORG members expressed their honest opinions about several of the more prominent camps and events at Burning Man.

One BORG member called Death Guild “feckless, vain and unoriginal…for a tribe of cannibals”. Another took a dim view of the Root Society saying their music was “trash”.  Still others complained that Opulent Temple had jumped the shark and needed to have new placement somewhere less embarrassing than the Esplanade.

But the biggest bombshell was an internal memo from Larry to key BORG personnel that not only outlines his master plan to increase commercialness, but it reveals that Burning Man will officially become “Too Commercial” in 2012.

BORG Passes Defense of Playa Marriage Act

Center Camp, BRC – The BORG today passed controversial BRC-wide legislation that defines marriage as “Only a loving union between two people which won’t last past Decompression.”

Proponents of DoPMA were overjoyed, celebrating with playa marriages on the steps of the Man, at the Temple, and wherever post-coital impulsive bliss was to be had. Opponents were ruefully shaking their head, waiting for the old, bigoted people to die.

“Without DoPMA, couples might think they have a chance at creating a family, growing old with an ill-fitting party fuck, or thinking they’re soul mates with someone who probably has a boyfriend back home,” said Anita Cockrant, a DoPMA spokesperson.

Anti-DoPMA riots broke out across the city, as “Real Love” supporters decried the bill as hateful. Acts of civil disobedience were centered around The Temple. Protesters donated millions to the DoPMA campaign. “Traditional Marrieds” shrouded the structure in dust by driving donuts around the Temple in non-mutant vehicles bearing “Not Just Married” signs and stringing along several cases of empty Tecaté cans.

DoPMA proponents were undeterred; vowing to do whatever it took to keep the law. “We’re doing it for the children – the inner children who might otherwise have been saddled in unloving, restrictive marriage characterized by soul-crushing boredom and ‘vanilla pudding missionary position with the lights off on Tuesdays’ sex,” said Cockrant. “Now these children will be free — by October at the latest — to explore their joy, follow their muse and just goof the fuck off.”

The act, part of a series of worldwide legislation protecting the limited duration and sanctity of casual festival hook-ups, including the Defense of Spring Break Fucking Act, the Coachella Choice Campaign, and Prop L8, which protected the right of one night stands to seek abortions.

President Harvey, who drew large support from the Real Love community during his campaign, was silent on the DoPMA’s act’s passage.