BORG Caves, Issues More Tickets

25 04 2012

By Veruca Salt

San Francisco, CA – In a stunning reversal, the BORG decided to issue tickets to the multitudes left out in the cold as a result of the callous lottery system.  Taking a page from the playbook of the Federal Reserve, the BORG just printed up more tickets when they ran out. When asked about the change of heart, Marian Goodell responded by saying that “We heard all the bitching and moaning reasoned debate from the community and decided that we just couldn’t take it anymore owed something to the people who have supported the event over the years.”

There will be some restrictions with the newly minted tickets, however. “Because we can’t really stomach seeing you accept another 20,000 adults into the event, we can only issue the tickets with the stipulation that all recipients will reside in Kidsville for the week,” said Will Chase. “So we’ll be putting you in timeout expanding Kidsville and placing it in its own corner of the city.”

Burning Man founder (and shape-shifting vampire), Larry Harvey, will personally be gifting binkies blinkies to all the new ticket holders just to show that there’s no hard feelings.





Israeli Burners Building Permanent Theme Camps in Deep Playa

22 09 2011

Israeli Burners have begun to build permanent theme camps in the deep Playa to ensure their continued presence at the annual event. When asked what prompted the move, Burners With Borders camp spokesman, Waxy Kibbutz, pointed out that the emergence of scalpers selling to rich putzes served as a call to action. “This desert belongs to us, not those schmendriks who purchased scalped tickets,” wailed Kibbutz.

“We won’t give up these lands just because some meshuginas suddenly think it’s theirs,” said Manny Schewitz of Camp Carnegie Deli.





Top 10 Stories of 2010

28 12 2010

In what has been The Shroom’s only most successful year yet, we felt obliged to give you readers a year-end list of those stories which confused captivated you most.

10.   City of Irvine to LIB: We will not be your Gerlach!

Despite a movement to rename Orange County, Pornj County, Irvine Mayor Nick Bishop railed against LIB and its participants warning them not to expect Irvine to roll out the red carpet and be as accommodating as those hicks folks up in Nevada.

 

 

 

9.   World’s Largest Shrew Files World’s Largest Harassment Suit

One uptight woman is all it took to get spankings at the greeter’s station 86′d.

 

 

 

 

 

8.   Incestuous Camp Sex Actually Incest

The Shroom’s report of two siblings who unknowingly knock playa boots hits it hard.

 

 

 

 

7.   Editorial: You NEED Me on That Trash Fence!

Can you handle the truth about the trash fence?

 

 

 

 

6.   Growing Fundamentalist Movement Threatens Burning Man

Not even Black Rock City is immune to fundamentalist ideologies and terrorist activity anymore. This expose informs Burners of the radicals in their midst.

 

 

 

 

5.   Bacon Without Borders Suffers Camp Wide Heart Attack

This was the only surviving member of Bacon Without Borders.

Wait, you mean you can’t eat bacon for every meal? Who knew?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.   Editorial: Mercury Won’t Always Be in Retrograde, but You’ll Always Be Crazy

One burner waxes philosophic about his tryst with a woman who was ruled by neurosis the stars.

 

 

 

 

 

3.   Editorial: I Went to Bed With a Fuck Buddy and Woke Up With a Fucktard

Ms. Hot Tamale vents her frustrations with the pussification of Burning men.

 

 

 

 

2.   Larry Harvey Responds to WikiLeaks

Larry Harvey explains what he thinks of the secret documents uncovered by WikiLeaks to the peons people of Black Rock City.

 

 

 

 

1.   WikiLeaks Releases BORG Documents

The Burning Man Organization is caught with their pants down. And no, they were nowhere near Jiffy Lube.





WikiLeaks Releases BORG Documents!

14 12 2010



Black Rock City, NV – The WikiLeaks drama has come home to roost in Black Rock City. Among the many documents to be published by the infamous whistle blower site is a trove of tens of pages relating to secrets that have been jealously guarded by the BORG.  Many of them not only reveal clandestine plans and motivations of the BORG, but also how the BORG really feels about some of the more prominent camps that make their home on the Playa.  The documents were spirited out of BORG headquarters by a DMV Hottie known as Flounder, using only a dubstep CD and a naked lady flash drive. It would seem a use for dubsteb has finally been found.

Among the revelations:

The café in center camp is a fully functioning creature of Starbucks. Starbucks not only siphons off profits from Burners who patronize the café, but they do so using volunteer labor of attendees who are unaware that they’re in fact unpaid Starbucks baristas.

Another leaked cable will show how the BORG offered free Burning Man tickets to the organizers of the Lollapalooza and Coachella festivals if they’d each agree to take the Dubstep DJs and Steampunk population over to their events.

Documents will illustrate BORG officials conspiring with NASA to keep Mercury permanently in Retrograde.

They will also expose Larry Harvey’s plan to use the Burning Man phenomenon to launch the world’s newest organized religion in much the same way that L. Ron Hubbard did.

We will also learn that 2009’s rumor about Daft Punk performing on the 3 o’clock side of town was perpetrated by First Camp. The purpose was to draw thousands of Burners to that side of town so that the REAL Daft Punk could play a show on the opposite side of town where only “the cool kids” would be in attendance.

Perhaps most embarrassing were the internal memos in which high ranking BORG members expressed their honest opinions about several of the more prominent camps and events at Burning Man.

One BORG member called Death Guild “feckless, vain and unoriginal…for a tribe of cannibals”. Another took a dim view of the Root Society saying their music was “trash”.  Still others complained that Opulent Temple had jumped the shark and needed to have new placement somewhere less embarrassing than the Esplanade.

But the biggest bombshell was an internal memo from Larry to key BORG personnel that not only outlines his master plan to increase commercialness, but it reveals that Burning Man will officially become “Too Commercial” in 2012.





City of Irvine to LIB: We Will Not Be Your Gerlach!

2 06 2010

In an angry and plagiaristic, yet oddly conflicted and self-loathing speech, Irvine Mayor Nick Bishop condemned Lightning in a Bottle and threatened attendees to discourage them from ‘invading’ Irvine.

“Do not give us your dusty masses! Do not ask us to store your art cars! Do not bring us your recycling! Do not overwhelm our Denny’s on your way home!”

“Do not stop at our Costco for Tecaté specially priced at $9.99/case or our CVS which have water and condom specials for card members!”

Rousing the assembled staffers, he yelled, “Do not expect our underprivileged OC school children to sell you coffee & ice! Do not even think of our church groups washing your cars when you are on your way home!”

The self-professed teabagger then went on to bluster, “We will sell you no Indian tacos, unless they are special Jack Daniels-glazed Indian tacos at TGI Friday’s!”

Mayor Bishop has introduce Orange County bill 1070, which would require police to stop anyone suspected of being a Burner or even looked like a Burner. A counter bill was filed by Councilman Pete Gozinya to rename the county during Memorial Day weekend as “Pornj County.”

“Get thee to Tijuana, Lightning in a Bottle!” said Bishop. He added, “But get your Hep A-C vaccines first, trust me!” He ended with a round of “No, you can’t! No, you can’t!” that petered out after 4 attempts.

Bishop was later arrested for soliciting sex from Steampunks in the restroom at the Irvine Whole Foods.





Editorial: What our Fine City on the Playa Needs Now is a Sports Bar

23 05 2010

A Letter from the Editor

You know what the worst part is about Burning Man? No, not the heat, not the undercover cops, not the gonorrhea outbreaks, it’s the lack of a good sports bar. I mean how hard could it be for someone to open one up? You could even call it something like ‘O’Shea’s Sports Bar Camp’.

Who will step up to the plate for this home run of an idea? Don’t even try to argue that there’s a shortage of big-boobed girls willing to wear next to nothing while serving a real sportsman like me. I guarantee you’d have at least one good customer. Do you know just how many blowjobs you could get for a good basket of Buffalo wings? I’m even willing to concede a few points to the heat – no ranch or blue cheese dressing.

The editorial staff of this newspaper would even help clean up a little at the end. We could even open up a sports book. This is Nevada after all. If we are ever to realize our dream of having a Black Rock City sports franchise we must first show a commitment to the televised sporting event! And you know what the best part would be about O’Shea’s Sports Bar theme camp? We could burn it at the end.





Steve Wynn To Open Burning Man Themed Hotel

22 04 2009
The Man will burn nightly within steps of the nearest slot machines.

The Man will burn nightly within steps of the nearest slot machines.

By Burnwood & Wordstein

Las Vegas, NV – The Shroom can exclusively report that world-renowned casino and hotel developer Steve Wynn has signed an exclusive deal with the BORG to produce the first official Burning Man themed hotel on the strip in Las Vegas. To be situated next to the Mandalay Bay, the Burning Man hotel will feature a 6 story tall ‘Man’ which will be burned nightly in an extravagant display of faux-paganism.

Including a 20,000 sq. foot convention center, casino & capacity for over 30,000 guests, the hotel is intended to open in time for Labor Day 2008. “What could be more appealing and culturally relevant than the counter-culture,” asked Mr. Wynn. “We intend to democratize the Burning Man experience for Middle America, and of course, to monetize a little bit of it for our investors.” All casino visitors will be asked to vigorously participate, eliminating the gawkers typical to many high-rolling casinos. A large retail space, referred to in an internal document as ‘The Gift Economy’, will include Tiffany trinkets and Prada faux-fur ensembles for rental or purchase.

“Of course, our guests would comply with all state and federal laws,” Mr. Wynn said with a devilish wink.

Amenities include:
• Temple Day Spa (dust storm microderm abrasion recommended)
• Art car monorail
• Leave No Trace maid service
• Spectator concert venue
• Center camp restaurant and cafe with a $19.95 all-you-can-eat surf ‘n’ turf buffet
• L. Harvey Convention Center

A full entertainment line-up at The Spectator Concert Venue is still tentative, but permanent guests on the consideration list include Carrot Top, Gloria Estefan and Celine Dion. A nightly burlesque show featuring ‘ravers’ in short faux-fur skirts and pasties has yet to be officially announced. A fire-based companion show to the Cirque de Soleil water show ‘O’ is expected to be named ‘CO2’.

An analyst from DeutschBanke predicted that by 2010 previous guests of the resort would be complaining that the Burning Man hotel would no longer be as great as it used to be. “A Burning Man theme hotel in the middle of the Nevada desert with a nightly fire-show is going to be a titanic winner,” the analyst added. “What could possibly go wrong?”








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