Top 10 Stories of 2010

In what has been The Shroom’s only most successful year yet, we felt obliged to give you readers a year-end list of those stories which confused captivated you most.

10.   City of Irvine to LIB: We will not be your Gerlach!

Despite a movement to rename Orange County, Pornj County, Irvine Mayor Nick Bishop railed against LIB and its participants warning them not to expect Irvine to roll out the red carpet and be as accommodating as those hicks folks up in Nevada.

 

 

 

9.   World’s Largest Shrew Files World’s Largest Harassment Suit

One uptight woman is all it took to get spankings at the greeter’s station 86′d.

 

 

 

 

 

8.   Incestuous Camp Sex Actually Incest

The Shroom’s report of two siblings who unknowingly knock playa boots hits it hard.

 

 

 

 

7.   Editorial: You NEED Me on That Trash Fence!

Can you handle the truth about the trash fence?

 

 

 

 

6.   Growing Fundamentalist Movement Threatens Burning Man

Not even Black Rock City is immune to fundamentalist ideologies and terrorist activity anymore. This expose informs Burners of the radicals in their midst.

 

 

 

 

5.   Bacon Without Borders Suffers Camp Wide Heart Attack

This was the only surviving member of Bacon Without Borders.

Wait, you mean you can’t eat bacon for every meal? Who knew?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.   Editorial: Mercury Won’t Always Be in Retrograde, but You’ll Always Be Crazy

One burner waxes philosophic about his tryst with a woman who was ruled by neurosis the stars.

 

 

 

 

 

3.   Editorial: I Went to Bed With a Fuck Buddy and Woke Up With a Fucktard

Ms. Hot Tamale vents her frustrations with the pussification of Burning men.

 

 

 

 

2.   Larry Harvey Responds to WikiLeaks

Larry Harvey explains what he thinks of the secret documents uncovered by WikiLeaks to the peons people of Black Rock City.

 

 

 

 

1.   WikiLeaks Releases BORG Documents

The Burning Man Organization is caught with their pants down. And no, they were nowhere near Jiffy Lube.

Epiphany Study:

LIB Epiphanies 30% shorter, 60% more intense than Burning Man ones.

Housewives of Black Rock City to Begin Casting

Nearly a decade after the Reality Show phenomenon took off there will finally be a Burning Man themed show on the airwaves. The initial casting call will be held during Lightning in a Bottle in Lushville located at shuttle stop 3.

Housewives of BRC producer The Frisky Dingo acknowledged that casting at LIB will skew towards Southern Californians being selected for the show. “However,” she went on to add, “a disproportionate number of women in Los Angeles possess a quality rarely seen in other people that translates very well to a reality television show.”

Of course we’re open to women in all sorts of domestic arrangements” said The Frisky Dingo, “but we’d prefer Playa wives as opposed to those who are legally married to their partners.”

Kid Totally Thinks She’s at Circus

After witnessing a plethora of people in elaborate costumes and make-up, stilt-walkers, trapeze artists and jugglers, 5-year old camper Bean was proud to report that she was really having fun at the circus. Whether holding her breath during the aerial acrobats of Lucent Dossier, laughing with joy at the colorful hoopers or grabbing her mom’s hand frightfully at the fire breathers, Bean never stopped being entertained despite her slightly mistaken belief.

Bean’s Dad said, “We tried to explain to her where we really were, but the concept of lightning in a bottle was a little too abstract for her at this age.” Prior to the event her parents had described Lighting in a Bottle as a Magical Forest Adventure. In attempting to explain why her puppy couldn’t come with them they told her that the website said that dogs were not welcome, but elephants and giraffes were allowed.

Giggling delightedly, Bean said that she was really looking forward to seeing the lions and eating some cotton candy.

Tens of People Descend Upon Santa Barbara for LIB

Santa Barbara – Tens of people were spotted wandering around the Live Oak campgrounds today while several more were seen waiting at the shuttle stop in the parking lot.

The small crowd, who apparently scored in the bottom percentile in both email comprehension and ticket reading skills, had previously been spotted wearing feather boas and eating pistachio nuts on the Playa.

A DO Lab organizer stated that they had posted a note on the gates, but allowed that it might have blown away.

iPhone Sadly Working

Irvine, CA – As Lightning in a Bottle doesn’t happen in the middle of a dry lake bed the iPhone’s entire repertoire of functions is readily available.

Thus attendees can update their Facebook status, check work emails, drunk-dial their exes and Tweet – Christ on a stick. Fuck.

BP Oil Spill Demonstrates Sustainability

While the human race strives to learn how to adopt sustainability BP’s oil disaster seems to have it down pat. During a sustainability seminar at LIB which included discussions on CFL light bulbs, recycling and compost education, the most catastrophic disaster in the Gulf’s history continued its relentless befouling despite the best desultory efforts of BP to stop the carnage. The talk did however, encourage ideas for sustainable living that may influence hundreds of lives.

The oil spill spread further across the Gulf killing marine life, spoiling the water and crippling the Gulf economy while those responsible and in charge continue to scratch their heads proving that neither political party much cares for Louisiana.  In the time it took to read this article 200,000 more gallons of oil have leaked into the Gulf of Mexico.

City of Irvine to LIB: We Will Not Be Your Gerlach!

In an angry and plagiaristic, yet oddly conflicted and self-loathing speech, Irvine Mayor Nick Bishop condemned Lightning in a Bottle and threatened attendees to discourage them from ‘invading’ Irvine.

“Do not give us your dusty masses! Do not ask us to store your art cars! Do not bring us your recycling! Do not overwhelm our Denny’s on your way home!”

“Do not stop at our Costco for Tecaté specially priced at $9.99/case or our CVS which have water and condom specials for card members!”

Rousing the assembled staffers, he yelled, “Do not expect our underprivileged OC school children to sell you coffee & ice! Do not even think of our church groups washing your cars when you are on your way home!”

The self-professed teabagger then went on to bluster, “We will sell you no Indian tacos, unless they are special Jack Daniels-glazed Indian tacos at TGI Friday’s!”

Mayor Bishop has introduce Orange County bill 1070, which would require police to stop anyone suspected of being a Burner or even looked like a Burner. A counter bill was filed by Councilman Pete Gozinya to rename the county during Memorial Day weekend as “Pornj County.”

“Get thee to Tijuana, Lightning in a Bottle!” said Bishop. He added, “But get your Hep A-C vaccines first, trust me!” He ended with a round of “No, you can’t! No, you can’t!” that petered out after 4 attempts.

Bishop was later arrested for soliciting sex from Steampunks in the restroom at the Irvine Whole Foods.

Editorial: Don’t Post My Photo on Facebook, you Fucktard.

by Everyone with any sense.

‘No permission asked for’ equals ‘no permission granted’.  Their privacy settings are bullshit enough without you posting and tagging a topless photo of me, douchenozzle.

2010 Quidditch World Cup to be Held in BRC.

HOGWARTS, UK – QUIFA announced today that the 2010 Quidditch World Cup would be played in Black Rock City. Sixteen teams will be competing throughout the week for the Golden Broom trophy. The English team is the favourite, assuming they can stop being such pussies about volcanic ash clouds.

The DPW is erecting a state-of-the-art Quidditch stadium for the tournament with a retractable roof and floor. Naming rights for the stadium have not been settled due to the lack of commerce within the city,  but several camps including Bacon Without Borders and Flying Broom Camp are under serious consideration. The Death Guild was dropped from contention after pictures of the ‘Hot Topic’ incident surfaced on the internet.

Black Rock City was an underdog bid to host the games largely due to its lack of commerce and unpredictable weather, but beat out several other locations including Shangri-La, The Lost City of Gold, and a land called Honah Lee.