BORG Caves, Issues More Tickets

By Veruca Salt

San Francisco, CA – In a stunning reversal, the BORG decided to issue tickets to the multitudes left out in the cold as a result of the callous lottery system.  Taking a page from the playbook of the Federal Reserve, the BORG just printed up more tickets when they ran out. When asked about the change of heart, Marian Goodell responded by saying that “We heard all the bitching and moaning reasoned debate from the community and decided that we just couldn’t take it anymore owed something to the people who have supported the event over the years.”

There will be some restrictions with the newly minted tickets, however. “Because we can’t really stomach seeing you accept another 20,000 adults into the event, we can only issue the tickets with the stipulation that all recipients will reside in Kidsville for the week,” said Will Chase. “So we’ll be putting you in timeout expanding Kidsville and placing it in its own corner of the city.”

Burning Man founder (and shape-shifting vampire), Larry Harvey, will personally be gifting binkies blinkies to all the new ticket holders just to show that there’s no hard feelings.

Top 10 Stories of 2010

In what has been The Shroom’s only most successful year yet, we felt obliged to give you readers a year-end list of those stories which confused captivated you most.

10.   City of Irvine to LIB: We will not be your Gerlach!

Despite a movement to rename Orange County, Pornj County, Irvine Mayor Nick Bishop railed against LIB and its participants warning them not to expect Irvine to roll out the red carpet and be as accommodating as those hicks folks up in Nevada.

 

 

 

9.   World’s Largest Shrew Files World’s Largest Harassment Suit

One uptight woman is all it took to get spankings at the greeter’s station 86′d.

 

 

 

 

 

8.   Incestuous Camp Sex Actually Incest

The Shroom’s report of two siblings who unknowingly knock playa boots hits it hard.

 

 

 

 

7.   Editorial: You NEED Me on That Trash Fence!

Can you handle the truth about the trash fence?

 

 

 

 

6.   Growing Fundamentalist Movement Threatens Burning Man

Not even Black Rock City is immune to fundamentalist ideologies and terrorist activity anymore. This expose informs Burners of the radicals in their midst.

 

 

 

 

5.   Bacon Without Borders Suffers Camp Wide Heart Attack

This was the only surviving member of Bacon Without Borders.

Wait, you mean you can’t eat bacon for every meal? Who knew?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.   Editorial: Mercury Won’t Always Be in Retrograde, but You’ll Always Be Crazy

One burner waxes philosophic about his tryst with a woman who was ruled by neurosis the stars.

 

 

 

 

 

3.   Editorial: I Went to Bed With a Fuck Buddy and Woke Up With a Fucktard

Ms. Hot Tamale vents her frustrations with the pussification of Burning men.

 

 

 

 

2.   Larry Harvey Responds to WikiLeaks

Larry Harvey explains what he thinks of the secret documents uncovered by WikiLeaks to the peons people of Black Rock City.

 

 

 

 

1.   WikiLeaks Releases BORG Documents

The Burning Man Organization is caught with their pants down. And no, they were nowhere near Jiffy Lube.

To our readers, and especially our commenters: THANK YOU!

We love our readers; we adore our subscribers.

We APPLAUD our commenters! You are the conscience of the Burning Man community. You are the ones who make it possible to KEEP SHINING A LIGHT ON THE TRUTH!

We’ve been reading what you have to say on the WikiLeaks story with rapt attention. Do not hold back! Speak up, tell everyone what you really think! This WikiLeaks scandal is only the beginning. There are revelations of plans within plans yet to come. More lies, hypocrisy, greed, and other sordid affairs. It’s time to fight back and expose the New Burning Order for what it really is…

WikiLeaks Releases BORG Documents!

Black Rock City, NV – The WikiLeaks drama has come home to roost in Black Rock City. Among the many documents to be published by the infamous whistle blower site is a trove of tens of pages relating to secrets that have been jealously guarded by the BORG.  Many of them not only reveal clandestine plans and motivations of the BORG, but also how the BORG really feels about some of the more prominent camps that make their home on the Playa.  The documents were spirited out of BORG headquarters by a DMV Hottie known as Flounder, using only a dubstep CD and a naked lady flash drive. It would seem a use for dubsteb has finally been found.

Among the revelations:

The café in center camp is a fully functioning creature of Starbucks. Starbucks not only siphons off profits from Burners who patronize the café, but they do so using volunteer labor of attendees who are unaware that they’re in fact unpaid Starbucks baristas.

Another leaked cable will show how the BORG offered free Burning Man tickets to the organizers of the Lollapalooza and Coachella festivals if they’d each agree to take the Dubstep DJs and Steampunk population over to their events.

Documents will illustrate BORG officials conspiring with NASA to keep Mercury permanently in Retrograde.

They will also expose Larry Harvey’s plan to use the Burning Man phenomenon to launch the world’s newest organized religion in much the same way that L. Ron Hubbard did.

We will also learn that 2009’s rumor about Daft Punk performing on the 3 o’clock side of town was perpetrated by First Camp. The purpose was to draw thousands of Burners to that side of town so that the REAL Daft Punk could play a show on the opposite side of town where only “the cool kids” would be in attendance.

Perhaps most embarrassing were the internal memos in which high ranking BORG members expressed their honest opinions about several of the more prominent camps and events at Burning Man.

One BORG member called Death Guild “feckless, vain and unoriginal…for a tribe of cannibals”. Another took a dim view of the Root Society saying their music was “trash”.  Still others complained that Opulent Temple had jumped the shark and needed to have new placement somewhere less embarrassing than the Esplanade.

But the biggest bombshell was an internal memo from Larry to key BORG personnel that not only outlines his master plan to increase commercialness, but it reveals that Burning Man will officially become “Too Commercial” in 2012.

BORG Passes Defense of Playa Marriage Act

Center Camp, BRC – The BORG today passed controversial BRC-wide legislation that defines marriage as “Only a loving union between two people which won’t last past Decompression.”

Proponents of DoPMA were overjoyed, celebrating with playa marriages on the steps of the Man, at the Temple, and wherever post-coital impulsive bliss was to be had. Opponents were ruefully shaking their head, waiting for the old, bigoted people to die.

“Without DoPMA, couples might think they have a chance at creating a family, growing old with an ill-fitting party fuck, or thinking they’re soul mates with someone who probably has a boyfriend back home,” said Anita Cockrant, a DoPMA spokesperson.

Anti-DoPMA riots broke out across the city, as “Real Love” supporters decried the bill as hateful. Acts of civil disobedience were centered around The Temple. Protesters donated millions to the DoPMA campaign. “Traditional Marrieds” shrouded the structure in dust by driving donuts around the Temple in non-mutant vehicles bearing “Not Just Married” signs and stringing along several cases of empty Tecaté cans.

DoPMA proponents were undeterred; vowing to do whatever it took to keep the law. “We’re doing it for the children – the inner children who might otherwise have been saddled in unloving, restrictive marriage characterized by soul-crushing boredom and ‘vanilla pudding missionary position with the lights off on Tuesdays’ sex,” said Cockrant. “Now these children will be free — by October at the latest — to explore their joy, follow their muse and just goof the fuck off.”

The act, part of a series of worldwide legislation protecting the limited duration and sanctity of casual festival hook-ups, including the Defense of Spring Break Fucking Act, the Coachella Choice Campaign, and Prop L8, which protected the right of one night stands to seek abortions.

President Harvey, who drew large support from the Real Love community during his campaign, was silent on the DoPMA’s act’s passage.