The Unicorn Flu pandemic rocked Black Rock City Tuesday and Wednesday prompting terrified citizens to empty the streets and shutter their RVs and tents. In Gerlach, fearful unicorn farmers slaughtered thousands of uncontaminatd unicorns hoping to prevent the spread of the dreaded disease.
“I don’t want to cause a panic, but any strangers that approach your camp might potentially infect your whole group and help bring about the extinction of the human race,” said a BLM spokesperson. “Anyone, especially children, that has recently been in contact with a unicorn should be quarantined.” A DPW spokesperson added that all Mexicans should be closely watched, “just because”.
Symptoms of the Unicorn Flu include sweating, fatigue, headache, redness of the skin–especially on the shoulders and arms–and excessive thirst. Burners who believe they may be infected should hang an unsoiled pair of thong underwear on the door of their shelter.
Epidemiologists at the Center for Disease Control believe that the flu, whose real name is the Harripotto Combibo Virus, originated in Ireland. “This has a chance of being an extinction level pandemic flu virus that Michael Crichton would’ve been excited about.”
The CDC has shut down individual Theme Camps in the past for outbreaks of infectious agents. Raw Chicken & Mayo Oral Sex camp was quarantined after a salmonella contamination. In 2008, they investigated and temporarily shut down Soulicious due to a scorching outbreak of Chlamydia. This is the first time they’ve quarantined the entire city.
Rangers will be patrolling the city wearing protective biohazard suits and maintaining a 6pm curfew. Ranger Shiho warned, “Anyone resisting, or otherwise not respecting, their authority will be dealt with swiftly.” All BRC Rangers will be carrying Light Sabers and, having owned and trained with them since 1977, are proficient in their use.The Nevada National Guard has been called up as a precaution.
A CDC spokesman said “It is possible that the virus was transmitted via contaminated Trader Joe’s chicken-unicorn-apple sausages, but much more likely to have jumped species via human-unicorn sex.” Patient Zero has been identified as one Juicy Joyce. It’s as yet unclear whether she contracted the Unicorn Flu by eating Unicorn meat, or eating Unicorn meat.
If anyone has had, or is planning to have, sex with Juicy Joyce please notify the CDC and help keep the BRC populace informed by wearing a sandwich board which clearly states: “I did have sexual relations with that woman, Juicy Joyce, and may have contracted the Unicorn Flu. Still wanna fuck?”
A mob of angry, but fabulously dressed, villagers stormed the Animal Control Camp to burn all furry, horned, and cloven-hoofed beasties in an attempt to halt the spread of the epidemic. Among the victims were a warren of bunnies and small herd of cows and lambs when the anti-viral horde set fire to the cages. The screaming of the lambs could be heard from as far away as Center Camp.
Widespread lawlessness including citizens not paying for goods and services, public nudity, and lascivious behavior was also reported Tuesday. There was an incident at the Grilled Cheese Incident when it was believed the seals on the individually wrapped slices of cheese had been compromised and handled by an infected person. There was also a series of random attacks on Random Pizza when word spread that they were using Unicorn pepperoni.
As of Wednesday curfew, the exact number of Unicorn Flu cases was still undetermined but it’s estimated that the number of infected is well into the dozens.