Shirtcocker: Once again you’re unlikely to find that special someone on the Playa. You might really want to rethink the wardrobe one of these years. Still, you won’t lack for attention. However, it will come from the business end of a pants cannon.
Top: Your pushy ways will ensure your presence on all the coolest art cars, at the most fabulous parties, and more than a few sexual trysts. It will also possibly lead to being thrown off of said art cars, out of said parties, and being slapped with an assault charge.
Bottom: We would liken your Burning Man experience this year to that of a football player. You may have started out as a tight end, but now you’re a wide receiver. Just go with it.
Unicorn: Your week will be a frolic-filled funfest. You’ll skate through without having to do any real work in camp and your charm will make it so no one will even notice what a twit you were until they’re off the Playa.
Darktard: If you play your cards right the Playa is going to be very welcoming to you this year. You may even find that someone with a warm body might be interested in seeing what you have underneath that unlit exterior. However, you usually don’t play your cards right. Try not to get run over again, okay?
Rainbow: As expected, you bring teh ghey. Everyone is thrilled to see your fabulousness. A natural peacocker, you’re going to set the BRC fashionistas on their ears.
Shroom: Yes, we get it. You’re smart. Now shut the fuck up. Try to be a little less brains and a little more cock and balls. It’s practically a naked orgy out here all week for fuck’s sake.
Clown: Refrain from staring at scantily clad people. You’re creeping them out. Your attempts at self-deprecation come across as a sleazy ploy to lure nubile bodies back into your tent. Wearing big, floppy shoes and asking people if they know what big feet mean isn’t going to work.
Ninja: Follow your instincts to dazzle people with your formidable talents. Not only will they be impressed and want to get to know you, but you’ll actually believe you’re cool enough to hold a camp’s attention. Don’t stay in one place too long and they won’t see through you.
Faerie: You’re really in your element this week. Providing what people need is your gig. Wear it proudly. They’ll thank you for it. Don’t worry that they’re going to laugh at you when your back is turned.
Pirate: Avoid law enforcement, powerful stimulants, and anyone with a name that begins with ‘J’. Do indulge in fucking with virgins, sparkle ponies, hallucinogens and art cars that look like tall ships.
Sparkle Pony: What can we say; you’re likely to have more sex than anyone else in town. Just don’t expect any cuddling or Playa dates, and by no means will you get a phone number or email address. Be satisfied with a reach around.